First off, it helps to know what a 3D Printer is. Look up RepRap. Second, Thingiverse is a website where designers make 3D object files or other things, and then any user with something like a Reprap or the tools, could download the file and basically make the object.
The following is a post I made to their forums.
I have a few questions for designers, and the makers of thingiverse. When looking at items on thingiverse, do you prefer (or enjoy more) to see functional items, such as bathtub plugs, or creative items, like the pyramids here http://www.thingiverse.com/thing:1015 ?
Personally, I find creative items more enjoyable.
Anyways, I have two (or more) ideas in mind for a 3D Printer, if and ever I get one.
The first is a poseable action figure/doll. The idea is to have six seperate pieces, two arms, two legs, chest, and the head. These would all be printed out seperately. Each of the non-chest pieces, will have a ball at the end, which can be pushed into the chest, to snap it into place. So once printed, (painted) and assembled, you would have an actionfigure / doll that can move it's limbs.
Yay.
The second is a plastic powertool, with two non-plastic parts.
(Pictures here to see what I mean in a visual way. It's very crude, so don't mind it)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/33344724@N02/3932346370/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/33344724@N02/3932347738/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/33344724@N02/3932347622/
There are four or five main parts to this design. The first two are, a circular saw (as seen on the end, in blue). This would be metal of course. On the opposite end, would be a canister of pressurized air (in black). The canister would snap into the first chamber (in white), and when the release nozzle on the air is turned, it shoots it out through the first chamber.
The second chamber (in red) is hooked to the first chamber via an axis, so the second chamber can rotate around in relation to the first. In the second chamber, is an variation of an air vane motor (seen here http://www.thingiverse.com/thing:615 ). As air passes through this motor, it causes the entire second chamber to spin, again in relation to the first chamber. At the end of the second chamber, is four vents, pushing the released air outwards to the side.
Since the circular saw will be attached to the second chamber, one the air flows through the airvane motor and spins the entire second chamber around, it also spins the circular saw.
Possibly uses for this power tool.
A, a saw. To...saw stuff.
B, the air flowing out of the vents could be used to knock any particles or sawdust off of the item after you saw it.
C, attaching a circular sandpaper to the front of the saw, could create a portable sander.
Of course, I have no idea if this would work, and if any of it would be possible anyways. But it's just an idea I had.
Any suggestions?
- Kayla/Melody
Friday, September 18, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Boredom Sept 14th
You know what happens when I'm loaded on caffiene and completely bored out of my mind? WRITING! WOOH!
Or artistry! WOOH!
or anything! WOOH
Random thoughts of randomness.
Will created a reporter character on Champions Online. For those not in the know, Champions Online has various social media things inside it, allowing one to post twitter posts and whatnot from inside the game. So Will made a roleplay reporter, and is going to post news stories to it. Like how Champion X defeated Villain Y. It should be good. Links later on. He also made a really good pencil set in Second Life. I didn't give him enough props for that, but it was really good.
I started to keep track of all of our money spendage for a month or two, maybe longer if it works well. That way I can go in my very noncommanding voice 'Hey, we're eating out too much', 'Hey, you're ordering out too much' and so on.
I should make an easy goal program I can check off every time I do something.
Take bath, check, brush teeth, check, start pointless arguement about nothing, check. So on.
I started another story, that I haven't finished yet. I'll see if I can finish it tonight/this morning. If so, I'll post it to the end of this blog.
On September 18th, Majesty 2 comes out. Can't wait for that.
Massive amounts of Lubriderm make my skin oily.
I ran out of some of my hormones today, will need to stock up after will comes home from work in 18 or so hours. I might try calling in. We'll see. The horrible puke inducing cough is gone, but now the flem cough is back. To be honest, I much prefer the flem cough, much less backtracking on the food intake.
On my death-trip to utah, I lost several very important pieces of clothing, including my bras and my favorite skirt. It makes me sad. I'll have to replace them.
I told myself for a month that I wouldn't ask for anything from anyone. Including items or help. If they offer it, I'll think about accepting as I always would, but I won't specifically ask for it. I want to see how my obtainage of stuff changes. Mostly an experiment. If I stop asking for stuff, will I obtain more, or less? My thoughts tell me less. Because those around me, won't know I want something.
Recently, I've questioned Wills observancy. He notices some things, but other things just pass right by him. It bugs me, for reasons of the last paragraph. For example, I'll be looking at something, and even though it's obvious I envy it, unless I ask him, or say 'look', he'll just ignore it. Like he doesn't even see me looking. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but I expect him to be more observant. Maybe I'm not observant either.
We were at dragoncon recently, and I found the most peculiar thing. I had known about this for a while, but it didn't strike me consciously till now.
I hate being told 'No', or 'You can't do that', or things similar to that. It drives me crazy. Time for horrible childhood story. Which can be stated simply like this. If I did something bad, I was punished for it. But the punishment never fit. It was exaggerrated. And if I did something good, it was never enough.
For example, if I didn't clean my room autonomously, I was grounded for a week. But if I did clean my room, I never got praised for it. No one ever came and said 'You did a good job'. So, for doing good things, I got less attention (and less grounding mind you) than for doing bad things. And since I was already mostly ignored, I craved that attention. Now compound this.
Anytime I ever wanted to do something, or asked for something. I was told 'No', or 'You can't do that'. I remember when I was six, I got my first bicycle. And I spent maybe four hours learning to ride it, over and over again. Bloody knees, elbows, scraped face. Finally, I learned to ride. I was so happy. Then the birth-females boyfriend came to me, and told me I couldn't ride outside the yard.
Wait...
What?
The yard was maybe 15 feet long. I couldn't ride the bicycle for more than two seconds in any direction.
Here, I just spent what felt like a massive amount of time to a little kid, learning a skill I never knew. I wasn't praised for it, didn't get a pat on the back, or anything. And then straight after, I'm told I can't even use it? So I waited for him to go inside. I opened the gate, and rode my bike around several blocks. It was the first time, I think, that I consciously rebelled.
At age 6. Of course, I know the reason why he told me that. Now. But I didn't know back then. And he didn't explain. He just said 'You can't do that'. That drove me crazy. The next ten years were just like that. I learned that everytime someone told me 'No', or that I can't do that, that I had to prove them wrong. And I did. Everytime. Now as an adult(-ish), I have to temper that. But it's hard.
Back to the point. At Dragoncon, there would be various things I wanted to do, or tried doing. And Will would say 'Sweety, you can't do that.' or 'What are you doing? You can't go in there.' or even 'No, you can't have that.' Everytime, I tried being reasonable, and accepting it. But he kept doing it, and eventually, I blew up. I didn't even want to be around him, because it seemed like anything I tried doing, no matter the saneness or logicality, he would try to refuse me.
This still bugs me now, almost a week after dragoncon. Beyond that, I loved dragoncon tons. Saw some really cool panels, even two with my favorite voice actor. Vic Mignogna. As well, I saw Rocky Horror, which was alright. And just a bunch of cool things. Tho', having to climb down 26 flights of stairs with a 20-3o pound luggage was not cool. Not cool at all.
On the same vein. More than being told 'No', or that I can't do something, I hate rules without reasons. The worst thing most people can say to me, or said to me, was/is 'Because I say so'.
Example:
'My friends are playing outside. Can I go play outside?'
'No'
'Why not?'
'Because I said so'
Gah.
When I was in utah, I stayed at different places. And at one place I stayed, I put my feet on the coffeetable. The lady I was staying with, not that I liked her very much, told me to not put my feet on the coffeetable. So I moved them. Minutes later, I put them back. Several times she told me, and it went through one ear and out the other. She hadn't given me a good reason for the rule, so to me, the rule didn't exist. One time, she said 'Okay look, the legs on the coffee table aren't that good, and I don't want them to break with the extra weight, plus everything that's already on it'.
After just telling me that, for the remainder of the trip, even though she was crazy mean. I did not once again put my legs on the coffeetable.
Rules without reasons are worthless. But if you give me a good logical reason I can understand. Then I will accept them, and in some wild cases, even follow them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Life of SecondLife
So, here is my story of secondlife. It's my memories of what I recall throughout my avatars life in Second Life. I'm thinking about it, so might as well write it.
A long long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away. There was a bored little girl.
She was searching the interwebs, when she came across a game called Second Life. The screenshots were pathetically ugly, and it was not very interesting at all. But she came across one video. It was a person building and texturing a cabin in real time. Now, this girl, who was me, was very interested in 3d modelling at the time. And this turned me on. Then I found out it was collaborative, and you could work with other people in real time.
So I researched it some, and found out you could script anything you made, and make anything you wanted. Weapons, Vehicles, so on. So I'm like sweet. I went to sign up, but it was 18+. And I was not. They had also turned off access, which made me sad. So I registered (at the time, using a cell phone and having them txt you the code, was a valid way to register) and joined the Irc channel. I talked and talked, and about a day or two later, access was given. WOOOH.
I joined. I went through the tutorial zone, and went to the greeter area. I asked anyone if they knew how to build and script, but they were all clueless. A greeter, greeted me, and friended me. Took me various places, including a mostly naked vampire sim. She was, weird. I repeatedly asked her how to build, but she didn't know. Finally, she sent me to one of her friends. Someone with (don't remember the first name) Sojourner.
She had a cancer, or MSD, or something. I don't remember what. She was raising money to have her own sim and help people with similiar problems. Anyways, she had a little area and taught me, as well as one other person, how to build. The first thing we built? An icecream cone with icecream in it. As a point of note, anytime I ever taught anyone how to build afterwards, I taught them the same icecream building.
Afterwords, she showed us her little sandbox, and told us to go for it. So we built and built. I met a guy named enno, or something like that. I only remember the E. He was a very talented builder, and mostly made avatars. A yoda was the one I most fondly remember. Another note, later on, years later, I met him again, and, well, he wasn't very nice.
I also met a mech-avatar maker. Giant mechas and so on. I asked him to teach me to script, so he sent me to the lsl wiki and told me to read it. I spent hours there. I read the entire thing. Every command, every usage, everything. Every so often, I'd ask him a question about a command or usage and he'd answer.
I remember the first thing I wanted to make was a parachute. So I asked him if Buoyancy would work, and he was suprised. He said 'you know, most people instantly assume buoyancy is only for water stuff, but you caught on quick'. So he helped me make the parachute. After learning the vehicle commands were pretty much useless, and vehicles were useless. I browsed the wiki some more, and refound something called Particles. I asked him about it, and he showed me to the barely created Jopsys lab.
I saw what the particles were, and saw the basic script for one Jopsy had made. I was delighted. So I went back to the sandbox of Sojourner, and started making and showing different particles to people. Then I had an idea. 'What if I randomized all these variables?'. So I looked up the randomize command. Unintuitively, it wasn't 'llrandomize' or 'llrand', but rather 'llfrand'. Anyways, I randomized the particles and set it to a five second timer or so.
I watched, for hours. Then someone came near me. He watched just that one emitter, with me, for hours. So I copied it, and placed ten down. Then twenty. Then more and more people came to watch. That was when I knew I had something special. So I built a sky box, we went up there and we would just watch (and listen to music). Every so often, we'd see a really good one and we would type 'oooh' or 'ahh' or 'did you see that?'. So I kept making particles, more and more and more. This was all the first day I was in secondlife.
After a while, I started exploring, and found something called the Obscure Sandbox. It was much bigger than the sojourner sandbox. So I made new stuff. Skipping about a year, and two new accounts later. I came back to the Obscure Sandbox, with an account known as Kala Pixie. June 06 I believe. I started making particles again, and someone sent me a personal request. So I started making it and realized that, this was unintuitive. Editing the object, then the script, making a small change and waiting.
So I told the person to hold on, that I'm going to try making a particle that can change when you type. They called me crazy. Told me I couldn't do it. It wasn't possible. Even if it was, it'd lag the sim. So I went off to the side of the obscure sandbox, it was this little shop area. I spent six hours making it. During that time, a person came in called Farley. He spent time with me, and to this day, is still a good friend. He was the very first person to ever recieve a 'UPG'. (Uber Particle Generator). Then I made a table. That could fly up and down, spawn platforms, and spin around. The 'TOD' or Table of Doom. He also bought one of these.
Shortly afterwords. I started putting on particle shows to classic seventies music. The rest is history. By the by, this wasn't the story I was talking about earlier in the post. That comes later.
On a side note, the particle shows I did, met me an interesting individual. Nexus Burbclave. Who later became my boyfriend, and now, might as well be my spouse. This September, we will have been together three years. He has done more for me, than anyone ever should. And even if sometimes it's hard for me to express it, I am deeply grateful for him being in my life. I appreciate and love Will so very much.
Or artistry! WOOH!
or anything! WOOH
Random thoughts of randomness.
Will created a reporter character on Champions Online. For those not in the know, Champions Online has various social media things inside it, allowing one to post twitter posts and whatnot from inside the game. So Will made a roleplay reporter, and is going to post news stories to it. Like how Champion X defeated Villain Y. It should be good. Links later on. He also made a really good pencil set in Second Life. I didn't give him enough props for that, but it was really good.
I started to keep track of all of our money spendage for a month or two, maybe longer if it works well. That way I can go in my very noncommanding voice 'Hey, we're eating out too much', 'Hey, you're ordering out too much' and so on.
I should make an easy goal program I can check off every time I do something.
Take bath, check, brush teeth, check, start pointless arguement about nothing, check. So on.
I started another story, that I haven't finished yet. I'll see if I can finish it tonight/this morning. If so, I'll post it to the end of this blog.
On September 18th, Majesty 2 comes out. Can't wait for that.
Massive amounts of Lubriderm make my skin oily.
I ran out of some of my hormones today, will need to stock up after will comes home from work in 18 or so hours. I might try calling in. We'll see. The horrible puke inducing cough is gone, but now the flem cough is back. To be honest, I much prefer the flem cough, much less backtracking on the food intake.
On my death-trip to utah, I lost several very important pieces of clothing, including my bras and my favorite skirt. It makes me sad. I'll have to replace them.
I told myself for a month that I wouldn't ask for anything from anyone. Including items or help. If they offer it, I'll think about accepting as I always would, but I won't specifically ask for it. I want to see how my obtainage of stuff changes. Mostly an experiment. If I stop asking for stuff, will I obtain more, or less? My thoughts tell me less. Because those around me, won't know I want something.
Recently, I've questioned Wills observancy. He notices some things, but other things just pass right by him. It bugs me, for reasons of the last paragraph. For example, I'll be looking at something, and even though it's obvious I envy it, unless I ask him, or say 'look', he'll just ignore it. Like he doesn't even see me looking. Maybe I'm asking for too much, but I expect him to be more observant. Maybe I'm not observant either.
We were at dragoncon recently, and I found the most peculiar thing. I had known about this for a while, but it didn't strike me consciously till now.
I hate being told 'No', or 'You can't do that', or things similar to that. It drives me crazy. Time for horrible childhood story. Which can be stated simply like this. If I did something bad, I was punished for it. But the punishment never fit. It was exaggerrated. And if I did something good, it was never enough.
For example, if I didn't clean my room autonomously, I was grounded for a week. But if I did clean my room, I never got praised for it. No one ever came and said 'You did a good job'. So, for doing good things, I got less attention (and less grounding mind you) than for doing bad things. And since I was already mostly ignored, I craved that attention. Now compound this.
Anytime I ever wanted to do something, or asked for something. I was told 'No', or 'You can't do that'. I remember when I was six, I got my first bicycle. And I spent maybe four hours learning to ride it, over and over again. Bloody knees, elbows, scraped face. Finally, I learned to ride. I was so happy. Then the birth-females boyfriend came to me, and told me I couldn't ride outside the yard.
Wait...
What?
The yard was maybe 15 feet long. I couldn't ride the bicycle for more than two seconds in any direction.
Here, I just spent what felt like a massive amount of time to a little kid, learning a skill I never knew. I wasn't praised for it, didn't get a pat on the back, or anything. And then straight after, I'm told I can't even use it? So I waited for him to go inside. I opened the gate, and rode my bike around several blocks. It was the first time, I think, that I consciously rebelled.
At age 6. Of course, I know the reason why he told me that. Now. But I didn't know back then. And he didn't explain. He just said 'You can't do that'. That drove me crazy. The next ten years were just like that. I learned that everytime someone told me 'No', or that I can't do that, that I had to prove them wrong. And I did. Everytime. Now as an adult(-ish), I have to temper that. But it's hard.
Back to the point. At Dragoncon, there would be various things I wanted to do, or tried doing. And Will would say 'Sweety, you can't do that.' or 'What are you doing? You can't go in there.' or even 'No, you can't have that.' Everytime, I tried being reasonable, and accepting it. But he kept doing it, and eventually, I blew up. I didn't even want to be around him, because it seemed like anything I tried doing, no matter the saneness or logicality, he would try to refuse me.
This still bugs me now, almost a week after dragoncon. Beyond that, I loved dragoncon tons. Saw some really cool panels, even two with my favorite voice actor. Vic Mignogna. As well, I saw Rocky Horror, which was alright. And just a bunch of cool things. Tho', having to climb down 26 flights of stairs with a 20-3o pound luggage was not cool. Not cool at all.
On the same vein. More than being told 'No', or that I can't do something, I hate rules without reasons. The worst thing most people can say to me, or said to me, was/is 'Because I say so'.
Example:
'My friends are playing outside. Can I go play outside?'
'No'
'Why not?'
'Because I said so'
Gah.
When I was in utah, I stayed at different places. And at one place I stayed, I put my feet on the coffeetable. The lady I was staying with, not that I liked her very much, told me to not put my feet on the coffeetable. So I moved them. Minutes later, I put them back. Several times she told me, and it went through one ear and out the other. She hadn't given me a good reason for the rule, so to me, the rule didn't exist. One time, she said 'Okay look, the legs on the coffee table aren't that good, and I don't want them to break with the extra weight, plus everything that's already on it'.
After just telling me that, for the remainder of the trip, even though she was crazy mean. I did not once again put my legs on the coffeetable.
Rules without reasons are worthless. But if you give me a good logical reason I can understand. Then I will accept them, and in some wild cases, even follow them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Life of SecondLife
So, here is my story of secondlife. It's my memories of what I recall throughout my avatars life in Second Life. I'm thinking about it, so might as well write it.
A long long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away. There was a bored little girl.
She was searching the interwebs, when she came across a game called Second Life. The screenshots were pathetically ugly, and it was not very interesting at all. But she came across one video. It was a person building and texturing a cabin in real time. Now, this girl, who was me, was very interested in 3d modelling at the time. And this turned me on. Then I found out it was collaborative, and you could work with other people in real time.
So I researched it some, and found out you could script anything you made, and make anything you wanted. Weapons, Vehicles, so on. So I'm like sweet. I went to sign up, but it was 18+. And I was not. They had also turned off access, which made me sad. So I registered (at the time, using a cell phone and having them txt you the code, was a valid way to register) and joined the Irc channel. I talked and talked, and about a day or two later, access was given. WOOOH.
I joined. I went through the tutorial zone, and went to the greeter area. I asked anyone if they knew how to build and script, but they were all clueless. A greeter, greeted me, and friended me. Took me various places, including a mostly naked vampire sim. She was, weird. I repeatedly asked her how to build, but she didn't know. Finally, she sent me to one of her friends. Someone with (don't remember the first name) Sojourner.
She had a cancer, or MSD, or something. I don't remember what. She was raising money to have her own sim and help people with similiar problems. Anyways, she had a little area and taught me, as well as one other person, how to build. The first thing we built? An icecream cone with icecream in it. As a point of note, anytime I ever taught anyone how to build afterwards, I taught them the same icecream building.
Afterwords, she showed us her little sandbox, and told us to go for it. So we built and built. I met a guy named enno, or something like that. I only remember the E. He was a very talented builder, and mostly made avatars. A yoda was the one I most fondly remember. Another note, later on, years later, I met him again, and, well, he wasn't very nice.
I also met a mech-avatar maker. Giant mechas and so on. I asked him to teach me to script, so he sent me to the lsl wiki and told me to read it. I spent hours there. I read the entire thing. Every command, every usage, everything. Every so often, I'd ask him a question about a command or usage and he'd answer.
I remember the first thing I wanted to make was a parachute. So I asked him if Buoyancy would work, and he was suprised. He said 'you know, most people instantly assume buoyancy is only for water stuff, but you caught on quick'. So he helped me make the parachute. After learning the vehicle commands were pretty much useless, and vehicles were useless. I browsed the wiki some more, and refound something called Particles. I asked him about it, and he showed me to the barely created Jopsys lab.
I saw what the particles were, and saw the basic script for one Jopsy had made. I was delighted. So I went back to the sandbox of Sojourner, and started making and showing different particles to people. Then I had an idea. 'What if I randomized all these variables?'. So I looked up the randomize command. Unintuitively, it wasn't 'llrandomize' or 'llrand', but rather 'llfrand'. Anyways, I randomized the particles and set it to a five second timer or so.
I watched, for hours. Then someone came near me. He watched just that one emitter, with me, for hours. So I copied it, and placed ten down. Then twenty. Then more and more people came to watch. That was when I knew I had something special. So I built a sky box, we went up there and we would just watch (and listen to music). Every so often, we'd see a really good one and we would type 'oooh' or 'ahh' or 'did you see that?'. So I kept making particles, more and more and more. This was all the first day I was in secondlife.
After a while, I started exploring, and found something called the Obscure Sandbox. It was much bigger than the sojourner sandbox. So I made new stuff. Skipping about a year, and two new accounts later. I came back to the Obscure Sandbox, with an account known as Kala Pixie. June 06 I believe. I started making particles again, and someone sent me a personal request. So I started making it and realized that, this was unintuitive. Editing the object, then the script, making a small change and waiting.
So I told the person to hold on, that I'm going to try making a particle that can change when you type. They called me crazy. Told me I couldn't do it. It wasn't possible. Even if it was, it'd lag the sim. So I went off to the side of the obscure sandbox, it was this little shop area. I spent six hours making it. During that time, a person came in called Farley. He spent time with me, and to this day, is still a good friend. He was the very first person to ever recieve a 'UPG'. (Uber Particle Generator). Then I made a table. That could fly up and down, spawn platforms, and spin around. The 'TOD' or Table of Doom. He also bought one of these.
Shortly afterwords. I started putting on particle shows to classic seventies music. The rest is history. By the by, this wasn't the story I was talking about earlier in the post. That comes later.
On a side note, the particle shows I did, met me an interesting individual. Nexus Burbclave. Who later became my boyfriend, and now, might as well be my spouse. This September, we will have been together three years. He has done more for me, than anyone ever should. And even if sometimes it's hard for me to express it, I am deeply grateful for him being in my life. I appreciate and love Will so very much.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Wednesday, August 12th, 2009 - Kayla's Mini Demo Reviews
It's time for Kayla's Mini Demo Reviews, featuring yours truly, Batman.
Wait..what?
I mean, Kayla.
So, I'm bored. I just sent my 360 games back to gamefly, and am waiting on the awesomeness to return. While waiting, I decided to download a bunch of demos, and now I'm reviewing them.
In no particular order,
Batman Arkham Asylum
Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts
Naruto: Broken Bonds
Shadowrun
The Simpsons
Halo Wars
Crackdown
Star Wars The Force Unleashed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
continueing later...
Wait..what?
I mean, Kayla.
So, I'm bored. I just sent my 360 games back to gamefly, and am waiting on the awesomeness to return. While waiting, I decided to download a bunch of demos, and now I'm reviewing them.
In no particular order,
Batman Arkham Asylum
Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts
Naruto: Broken Bonds
Shadowrun
The Simpsons
Halo Wars
Crackdown
Star Wars The Force Unleashed
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
continueing later...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Da
Part 1
Once upon a time, in a dark and deep valley, there was a village by the name of Kerast. This village was not particularly large, unlike a city or town, but was not small either. It was a medium-sized village, and the villagers happy.
Settled in the pit of the valley and surrounded by mountains and treacherous forests, the village was hidden to anyone who didn't live there. Very few people ever left the village—-and only for supplies. Kerast was protected by an ancient force, and anyone not of the blood of the village, could never penetrate the forests surrounding it.
The only way for outsiders to enter the village was through the mountains—-with peaks as high as the eyes can see, further than even the clouds, and avalanches the norm. Going through the mountain pass was as much a ticket to the underworld as trying to go through the forest; and so, the village lived in relative peace during times of turmoil and war.
In this village, was a small girl in her teenage years. She was of similiar height and weight to her peers and that was the only thing they had in common. Her eyes were as white as snow, with skin just as light. Only her pupils were black, and she had no color in her eyes or skin. Her hair was fiery red, hanging down to her shoulders. This was in stark contrast to her fair-to-dark skinned peers, with brown eyes, and brown or black hair.
She had many times tried to leave her home to go play with the village girls, only to be mocked and laughed at for her appearance. That, in addition to her being very sickly accumulated to her almost never leaving her home. She was not alone though. She had her many stuffed animals around to protect her from the sickness of loneliness. She also had Mona.
'Mona,' she thought, 'the sweetest and kindest woman in the whole world.' The girl was not far off from the truth. Mona lived across from the girl, and would come over every day to take care of the girl. Mona was a woman in her mid-twenties and was unable to bear children. Mona was an expert seamstress and had made all of the stuffed animals for the girl to play with. She cooked and brought food to the girl, and even did her dishes and laundry for her. Mona took care of her like any good mother would.
Mona was married to a kind man, but a political one. He was next in line for being the village chief and could not risk having the girl live with him and Mona. Despite many protests from the woman, he never relented: “If the village knew I had let the girl stay with us, you know I would lose my position and potential chiefdom. I simply cannot allow it. We've been over this before. I'm sorry, but she cannot stay with me.” That was always his reply, when Mona begged for him to let the girl stay with them.
In the village, the small girl was considered deformed, a freak of Mother Nature, and anyone who was associated with the girl was as chastised and mocked as the girl was for something she didn't even want or ask for. The only one who cared enough about the girl to risk their livelihood for her was Mona.
Once upon a time, in a dark and deep valley, there was a village by the name of Kerast. This village was not particularly large, unlike a city or town, but was not small either. It was a medium-sized village, and the villagers happy.
Settled in the pit of the valley and surrounded by mountains and treacherous forests, the village was hidden to anyone who didn't live there. Very few people ever left the village—-and only for supplies. Kerast was protected by an ancient force, and anyone not of the blood of the village, could never penetrate the forests surrounding it.
The only way for outsiders to enter the village was through the mountains—-with peaks as high as the eyes can see, further than even the clouds, and avalanches the norm. Going through the mountain pass was as much a ticket to the underworld as trying to go through the forest; and so, the village lived in relative peace during times of turmoil and war.
In this village, was a small girl in her teenage years. She was of similiar height and weight to her peers and that was the only thing they had in common. Her eyes were as white as snow, with skin just as light. Only her pupils were black, and she had no color in her eyes or skin. Her hair was fiery red, hanging down to her shoulders. This was in stark contrast to her fair-to-dark skinned peers, with brown eyes, and brown or black hair.
She had many times tried to leave her home to go play with the village girls, only to be mocked and laughed at for her appearance. That, in addition to her being very sickly accumulated to her almost never leaving her home. She was not alone though. She had her many stuffed animals around to protect her from the sickness of loneliness. She also had Mona.
'Mona,' she thought, 'the sweetest and kindest woman in the whole world.' The girl was not far off from the truth. Mona lived across from the girl, and would come over every day to take care of the girl. Mona was a woman in her mid-twenties and was unable to bear children. Mona was an expert seamstress and had made all of the stuffed animals for the girl to play with. She cooked and brought food to the girl, and even did her dishes and laundry for her. Mona took care of her like any good mother would.
Mona was married to a kind man, but a political one. He was next in line for being the village chief and could not risk having the girl live with him and Mona. Despite many protests from the woman, he never relented: “If the village knew I had let the girl stay with us, you know I would lose my position and potential chiefdom. I simply cannot allow it. We've been over this before. I'm sorry, but she cannot stay with me.” That was always his reply, when Mona begged for him to let the girl stay with them.
In the village, the small girl was considered deformed, a freak of Mother Nature, and anyone who was associated with the girl was as chastised and mocked as the girl was for something she didn't even want or ask for. The only one who cared enough about the girl to risk their livelihood for her was Mona.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Friday, April the 24th, 2009
Do days get worse than this? I think not!
Starting song of the day:
Ending song of the day:
Goals for today: None, today is going to be a lazy ass day of moping and crying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:40PM
I had someone I love dearly who lied to me today. It wasn't even important either. But she said she lied because she didn't want people to assume the worst. I think what hurts more than she lied was that, she couldn't even trust me to not assume the worst.
I can't be trusted?
Gah.
One bad thing about lying to me, is all it takes is one lie, and you throw everything you've ever said to me in check.
Does she really love me?
Does she really care about me?
Is this all just a sick joke?
I talked to aunty about it, and aunty said that maybe the person that lied to me meant to protect me, that sometimes people lie to protect the ones they care about. She said though, that when they lie to protect someone, they almost always hurt that someone more.
And, I was hurt, really badly.
So, the person that lied to me....
I think she still loves me, and cares about me, and just wanted to protect me or someone else....
But god, it still hurts.
....
I cut myself. I told someone I cut myself for a specific reason, and I don't think I did. I think I was just angry and in pain and wanted to do something. I want to forgive her and I think, after I cut myself, I think I did forgive her. I love her lots, and, I still hurt lots from it. But I think I can move on after this and still trust her.
It bled a lot. By the time it stopped bleeding, I had both my legs, hands, and a couple rags drenched in blood. Afterwards, I got all happy and giggly, aunty said it was probably blood loss. I'd have to agree.
But it's healing quickly, so that's good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yay...Short edits...4:55PM
I'll probably update this journal more now, since I have nothing else to do all day.
I seem to remember I was more happy when I was writing it, so hopefully this will cheer me up.
Starting song of the day:
Ending song of the day:
Goals for today: None, today is going to be a lazy ass day of moping and crying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:40PM
I had someone I love dearly who lied to me today. It wasn't even important either. But she said she lied because she didn't want people to assume the worst. I think what hurts more than she lied was that, she couldn't even trust me to not assume the worst.
I can't be trusted?
Gah.
One bad thing about lying to me, is all it takes is one lie, and you throw everything you've ever said to me in check.
Does she really love me?
Does she really care about me?
Is this all just a sick joke?
I talked to aunty about it, and aunty said that maybe the person that lied to me meant to protect me, that sometimes people lie to protect the ones they care about. She said though, that when they lie to protect someone, they almost always hurt that someone more.
And, I was hurt, really badly.
So, the person that lied to me....
I think she still loves me, and cares about me, and just wanted to protect me or someone else....
But god, it still hurts.
....
I cut myself. I told someone I cut myself for a specific reason, and I don't think I did. I think I was just angry and in pain and wanted to do something. I want to forgive her and I think, after I cut myself, I think I did forgive her. I love her lots, and, I still hurt lots from it. But I think I can move on after this and still trust her.
It bled a lot. By the time it stopped bleeding, I had both my legs, hands, and a couple rags drenched in blood. Afterwards, I got all happy and giggly, aunty said it was probably blood loss. I'd have to agree.
But it's healing quickly, so that's good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yay...Short edits...4:55PM
I'll probably update this journal more now, since I have nothing else to do all day.
I seem to remember I was more happy when I was writing it, so hopefully this will cheer me up.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Super Awesome
From the most super awesome person in the entire world, tying only with Mommy
[20:06] Neeks Karu: grown ups need different things than children
[20:07] Kala Pixie: what do children need?
[20:07] Neeks Karu: love, comfort, protection, guidence, boundries
[20:09] Kala Pixie: boundaries?
[20:09] Neeks Karu: limits to what they can do till they can cope with the resposability/ consequenses
[20:10] Kala Pixie: guidance?
[20:11] Neeks Karu: assistance with choices.. right from wrong.. experiences to draw from
[20:11] Kala Pixie: protection?
[20:12] Neeks Karu: from the bad things/ppl in the world to some extent, the ugliness
[20:12] Kala Pixie: comfort?
[20:12] Neeks Karu: someone to wipe your tears
[20:12] Neeks Karu: bandage a cut knee
[20:13] Neeks Karu: cuddles after a nightmare
[20:13] Kala Pixie: love?
[20:13] Neeks Karu: the affection, bond that ties together, feelling that makes you want to be everything else to another
[20:13] Kala Pixie: what do grown ups need?
[20:15] Neeks Karu: the same... but there are other needs too, way to be emotionally closer
[20:15] Kala Pixie: what are other needs?\
[20:16] Neeks Karu: feet to be massaged
[20:16] Neeks Karu: toenails to be cut
[20:18] Kala Pixie: is all?
[20:18] Neeks Karu: hehehe
[20:18] Kala Pixie: I think
[20:18] Kala Pixie: of all of the needs we need
[20:18] Kala Pixie: that
[20:19] Kala Pixie: comfort, boundaries, guidance, protection, and to some extent, love
[20:19] Kala Pixie: are all things I've never had
[20:19] Kala Pixie: I've never had someone to bandage my knee or cuddle me after a nightmare
[20:19] Kala Pixie: or
[20:19] Neeks Karu: to me.. even tho I love my kids dearly.. Parenting is still a job
[20:20] Kala Pixie: ever had limits on what I could or can't do
[20:20] Neeks Karu: my job is to turn out function adults
[20:20] Kala Pixie: and I've never had someone tell me right from wrong, or protect me from the bad world
[20:20] Kala Pixie: only will, you, mommy, and a couple others, have ever really loved me
[20:20] Kala Pixie: so
[20:20] Kala Pixie: All of the needs I need
[20:20] Kala Pixie: I've never had
[20:21] Neeks Karu: and thats a real shame.. every child should be given those
[20:22] Kala Pixie: I just wish that I had those things when I was really small physically...is would of helped a lot.
[20:06] Neeks Karu: grown ups need different things than children
[20:07] Kala Pixie: what do children need?
[20:07] Neeks Karu: love, comfort, protection, guidence, boundries
[20:09] Kala Pixie: boundaries?
[20:09] Neeks Karu: limits to what they can do till they can cope with the resposability/ consequenses
[20:10] Kala Pixie: guidance?
[20:11] Neeks Karu: assistance with choices.. right from wrong.. experiences to draw from
[20:11] Kala Pixie: protection?
[20:12] Neeks Karu: from the bad things/ppl in the world to some extent, the ugliness
[20:12] Kala Pixie: comfort?
[20:12] Neeks Karu: someone to wipe your tears
[20:12] Neeks Karu: bandage a cut knee
[20:13] Neeks Karu: cuddles after a nightmare
[20:13] Kala Pixie: love?
[20:13] Neeks Karu: the affection, bond that ties together, feelling that makes you want to be everything else to another
[20:13] Kala Pixie: what do grown ups need?
[20:15] Neeks Karu: the same... but there are other needs too, way to be emotionally closer
[20:15] Kala Pixie: what are other needs?\
[20:16] Neeks Karu: feet to be massaged
[20:16] Neeks Karu: toenails to be cut
[20:18] Kala Pixie: is all?
[20:18] Neeks Karu: hehehe
[20:18] Kala Pixie: I think
[20:18] Kala Pixie: of all of the needs we need
[20:18] Kala Pixie: that
[20:19] Kala Pixie: comfort, boundaries, guidance, protection, and to some extent, love
[20:19] Kala Pixie: are all things I've never had
[20:19] Kala Pixie: I've never had someone to bandage my knee or cuddle me after a nightmare
[20:19] Kala Pixie: or
[20:19] Neeks Karu: to me.. even tho I love my kids dearly.. Parenting is still a job
[20:20] Kala Pixie: ever had limits on what I could or can't do
[20:20] Neeks Karu: my job is to turn out function adults
[20:20] Kala Pixie: and I've never had someone tell me right from wrong, or protect me from the bad world
[20:20] Kala Pixie: only will, you, mommy, and a couple others, have ever really loved me
[20:20] Kala Pixie: so
[20:20] Kala Pixie: All of the needs I need
[20:20] Kala Pixie: I've never had
[20:21] Neeks Karu: and thats a real shame.. every child should be given those
[20:22] Kala Pixie: I just wish that I had those things when I was really small physically...is would of helped a lot.
Monday, March 16, 2009
March, the 16th, 2009
Suuuuup March.
Starting song of the day:
Ending song of the day: (when the day ends *giggles*)
Stuff to do today:
Nothing. *giggles*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:48PM
I woke up today, and, maybe Melody was taking control early, or, maybe Kayla was, I don't particularly know or care. But I remember opening my eyes. My body felt entirely still, but the entire room rotated around myself. O' course, I just turned around, but, I was not in control at all and it was definately a new sensation.
Good morning peeps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starting song of the day:
Ending song of the day: (when the day ends *giggles*)
Stuff to do today:
Nothing. *giggles*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:48PM
I woke up today, and, maybe Melody was taking control early, or, maybe Kayla was, I don't particularly know or care. But I remember opening my eyes. My body felt entirely still, but the entire room rotated around myself. O' course, I just turned around, but, I was not in control at all and it was definately a new sensation.
Good morning peeps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Addendum of the Logical Kayla
This is an addendum to the previous post here: http://melodykpgrace.blogspot.com/2009/03/melody-and-kayla.html
So... today I read an interesting article. The article was about masks, and how people wear masks to hide their true selves. Now, these aren't simply masks that one dons at Halloween, although one does don masks at Halloween. Instead, they are social masks.
Social Masks? What?
A social mask is doing anything in which another may blame the mask for your actions instead of yourself. Getting drunk? Social mask. Getting high? Social mask. These allow you, to be yourself without taking all the blame for being yourself. Instead of others blaming you for hugging them, they blame your beer or your weed or whatever.
Why do we don social masks?
Quite honestly, most people are afraid of being hurt, and rightly so! Lots of people get hurt by showing you their true selves, and after being hurt so much, they just don't want to be hurt anymore. They want to be themselves, but they don't want the consequences and pain associated with being themselves.
They put on a mask.
Once they have a mask on, they can be whoever they want. They can do anything they want and it's blamed on the mask. Social masks can be anything too! They can be Second Life, or World of Warcraft, or Roleplaying games. People want to envision themselves as being good and awesome and fantastic. But without the pain and repercussions that are associated with being that.
So what does this have to do with anything?
Well, quite simply... Kayla... The logical me, the adult me, the me that tries to solve everyone's problems when I don't even have the resources, and takes up all of their stress when I'm about ready to explode, the same Kayla writing this article.
She's a mask.
You know the person that helps you. The person that converses intelligently with you. The person that makes you trust me. The person that makes you think I know it all, and everything you tell me is perfectly safe. That person...
She's fake.
Okay. Maybe not fake in the sense that she's imaginary, she's not. Kayla is as real as any of you. But she's just a way for Melody to protect herself when big bad things happen. Kayla can rationalize nasty situations and the minds behind the nasty people. So she can forgive them when Melody couldn't. Case in point, this entire article is a way for Melody to express herself in a way that she really can't express herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So what am I going to do about it?
I'm slowly, very slowly, taking the mask off.
So... today I read an interesting article. The article was about masks, and how people wear masks to hide their true selves. Now, these aren't simply masks that one dons at Halloween, although one does don masks at Halloween. Instead, they are social masks.
Social Masks? What?
A social mask is doing anything in which another may blame the mask for your actions instead of yourself. Getting drunk? Social mask. Getting high? Social mask. These allow you, to be yourself without taking all the blame for being yourself. Instead of others blaming you for hugging them, they blame your beer or your weed or whatever.
Why do we don social masks?
Quite honestly, most people are afraid of being hurt, and rightly so! Lots of people get hurt by showing you their true selves, and after being hurt so much, they just don't want to be hurt anymore. They want to be themselves, but they don't want the consequences and pain associated with being themselves.
They put on a mask.
Once they have a mask on, they can be whoever they want. They can do anything they want and it's blamed on the mask. Social masks can be anything too! They can be Second Life, or World of Warcraft, or Roleplaying games. People want to envision themselves as being good and awesome and fantastic. But without the pain and repercussions that are associated with being that.
So what does this have to do with anything?
Well, quite simply... Kayla... The logical me, the adult me, the me that tries to solve everyone's problems when I don't even have the resources, and takes up all of their stress when I'm about ready to explode, the same Kayla writing this article.
She's a mask.
You know the person that helps you. The person that converses intelligently with you. The person that makes you trust me. The person that makes you think I know it all, and everything you tell me is perfectly safe. That person...
She's fake.
Okay. Maybe not fake in the sense that she's imaginary, she's not. Kayla is as real as any of you. But she's just a way for Melody to protect herself when big bad things happen. Kayla can rationalize nasty situations and the minds behind the nasty people. So she can forgive them when Melody couldn't. Case in point, this entire article is a way for Melody to express herself in a way that she really can't express herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So what am I going to do about it?
I'm slowly, very slowly, taking the mask off.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Melody and Kayla.
Oh wow, where do I begin with this one? Jeez.
Ugh. More caffeine.
This is a blog post that will, outly more about myself, and hopefully, I won't have to keep fucking typing this shit out to every nublet that doesn't understand me. So I'll throw in some logic, some cool metaphors, some history, and some emotions.
To give some basic information, I am currently nineteen. This article is meant to explain why I act the way I do, why I eschew responsibilities and work in favor of games and toys. Mostly, why I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Melody and Kayla.
I have an identity disorder. At the very least, I have two very basic identities in me, and up until now, these identities co-existed in the same space, my body, and mind, at the same time, each taking more or less control at various events more suited for that identity.
To start off, I am Melody, and I am Kayla, and I am always both of these people, at the same time. Now, most people know me as Kayla, most people know me as the 'Kala' identity, and they don't know me as Melody. This is either because they only ever get to know the surface of me, or because of the logical explanation following Kayla's existence and habitation.
Now, up until this point, I've not spent much time thinking about this, I've just known there were multiple me's, and each of them emerged when the situation called for it. But it's becoming more problematic, because I'm starting to polarize. The need for Kayla isn't there, and so Melody is taking over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, why do I have two identities?
The logical and most concise answer for this:
Kayla was created by my body and subconscious mind, to act as a shield for me, while I was in a severely abusive environment.
Woah, wait? Sound like a certain traumatic disorder you know of? Yeah, I know, it sounds like that too.
Kayla was created by my body and subconscious mind as a personality, or identity, that would help me cope with my emotions, my feelings, my intelligent, my disabilities, and all of these things. Kayla did this by completely shutting out Melody, putting her in the back of my mind. Kayla, within the span of about ten years of existing, created an adult identity. This adult entity was used so that I - and my nieces and nephew - could survive.
I fended for myself, and I fended for them. I had no chance to just play. Everyday was a game of being beat at home, yelled at or screamed at, and then going to school, and receiving the same treatment, just because I was different.
Kayla shut my emotions off. She grew vast and quick in her intellect; and by the age of ten, Kayla could easily surpass most adults in just pure intellectual processing. And that kept me alive. I am thankful for that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a certain point in my life, I moved into situations where I was not being abused, where, I was more than just surviving. This was when I moved in with Will, my boyfriend. Once I didn't need to have my guard up, my defenses up, Kayla started becoming less prominent, and I found another identity, hidden way in the back of my head.
Melody.
Melody can be considered the polar opposite of Kayla in most respects. Where as Kayla is adult, Melody is child; Kayla is serious, Melody is silly; Kayla is protecting, and Melody is careless.
As I became less abused, the switch was rather dramatic from Kayla being prominent, to Melody being the lead. All of a sudden, a while ago, a few months ago, I just started playing with toys.
Stuffed animals. Sure, I had Vinnie, a stuffed bear, and others, but it went from having them as kind of show, to actively playing with them. My imagination boosted considerably, and I was not sure why.
Everything began in this amazing sense of wonderment, I took apart a nail clipper just to see how it worked. These are things I never cared about, and suddenly, playing with Vinnie, and my stuffed animals, and learning things, these became the most important things to me. In doing so, caring about money, or, adult things like having a job, these things, they were unimportant to me, I did not care about them. Melody just wants to be a child.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the problem then?
You would think that people could understand this, but people, are a whole, are douchebags.
Society has this rigid system of phases a person follows through. Infancy, adolescence, childhood, teenage, young adult, adult, mature adult, wise adult, dead adult.
Imagine most people's lives as being on a set of railroads, a set of train trails, with them as the train. They all follow the same train track, and they're all, for the most part, pretty decent with that.
But when I was born, my track wasn't there - all of the pieces were fucking screwy as all hell. And so for the start of my life, my train flew around wildly, looking for just something to ride on, and then one day, I found my track.
I'll say it again.
I found my track.
I found my track, and as soon as I found it, all of those people that ride the same track in life, they ridiculed me for riding a different track. Sure, my track was more colorful and bright, but they wanted me to ride their track. They told me how better I would be if I rode their track.
And, wow did I envy that.
Everytime I saw a little girl or boy, with a mother or father, I had to hold back the tears, on how much I envied them, being able to have a real life. A real family. A real childhood.
Finally, I found my own tracks to be on, and now, all of these people, told me to come ride their tracks. But, I found my tracks.
These people were growing older, but I am growing younger - not physically, but emotionally, and mentally. It feels like I am devolving back into a child, so that I can experience life as I should.
But these people don't understand. They keep telling me to 'grow up', and 'get a job' and 'be more mature'. But I don't want to grow up. I spent most of my life being an adult, now I just want to be a child. And I will be a child, for as long as it takes.
No one will take that away from me.
Not ever again.
...
At one time, I envied those people, that could all ride the same tracks together, and experience life the same.
But now I pity them.
I pity that they aren't as creative as I am.
I pity that they aren't as imaginative as I am.
I pity that, they only see life from one angle, where as I get to see it from many angles.
I pity that, I can live my life as I want, but they have to live it as others dictate.
All those people, that wanted me to ride their tracks?
I pity them.
- Kayla, and Melody.
PS: Kayla will become less and less dominant, and it will be for a long time. Maybe, one day, Kayla will help Melody grow up. But for now, I will be Melody, and I will be a child, and I will love and wonder and imagine and see all the beautiful things in life.
Ugh. More caffeine.
This is a blog post that will, outly more about myself, and hopefully, I won't have to keep fucking typing this shit out to every nublet that doesn't understand me. So I'll throw in some logic, some cool metaphors, some history, and some emotions.
To give some basic information, I am currently nineteen. This article is meant to explain why I act the way I do, why I eschew responsibilities and work in favor of games and toys. Mostly, why I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Melody and Kayla.
I have an identity disorder. At the very least, I have two very basic identities in me, and up until now, these identities co-existed in the same space, my body, and mind, at the same time, each taking more or less control at various events more suited for that identity.
To start off, I am Melody, and I am Kayla, and I am always both of these people, at the same time. Now, most people know me as Kayla, most people know me as the 'Kala' identity, and they don't know me as Melody. This is either because they only ever get to know the surface of me, or because of the logical explanation following Kayla's existence and habitation.
Now, up until this point, I've not spent much time thinking about this, I've just known there were multiple me's, and each of them emerged when the situation called for it. But it's becoming more problematic, because I'm starting to polarize. The need for Kayla isn't there, and so Melody is taking over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, why do I have two identities?
The logical and most concise answer for this:
Kayla was created by my body and subconscious mind, to act as a shield for me, while I was in a severely abusive environment.
Woah, wait? Sound like a certain traumatic disorder you know of? Yeah, I know, it sounds like that too.
Kayla was created by my body and subconscious mind as a personality, or identity, that would help me cope with my emotions, my feelings, my intelligent, my disabilities, and all of these things. Kayla did this by completely shutting out Melody, putting her in the back of my mind. Kayla, within the span of about ten years of existing, created an adult identity. This adult entity was used so that I - and my nieces and nephew - could survive.
I fended for myself, and I fended for them. I had no chance to just play. Everyday was a game of being beat at home, yelled at or screamed at, and then going to school, and receiving the same treatment, just because I was different.
Kayla shut my emotions off. She grew vast and quick in her intellect; and by the age of ten, Kayla could easily surpass most adults in just pure intellectual processing. And that kept me alive. I am thankful for that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a certain point in my life, I moved into situations where I was not being abused, where, I was more than just surviving. This was when I moved in with Will, my boyfriend. Once I didn't need to have my guard up, my defenses up, Kayla started becoming less prominent, and I found another identity, hidden way in the back of my head.
Melody.
Melody can be considered the polar opposite of Kayla in most respects. Where as Kayla is adult, Melody is child; Kayla is serious, Melody is silly; Kayla is protecting, and Melody is careless.
As I became less abused, the switch was rather dramatic from Kayla being prominent, to Melody being the lead. All of a sudden, a while ago, a few months ago, I just started playing with toys.
Stuffed animals. Sure, I had Vinnie, a stuffed bear, and others, but it went from having them as kind of show, to actively playing with them. My imagination boosted considerably, and I was not sure why.
Everything began in this amazing sense of wonderment, I took apart a nail clipper just to see how it worked. These are things I never cared about, and suddenly, playing with Vinnie, and my stuffed animals, and learning things, these became the most important things to me. In doing so, caring about money, or, adult things like having a job, these things, they were unimportant to me, I did not care about them. Melody just wants to be a child.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the problem then?
You would think that people could understand this, but people, are a whole, are douchebags.
Society has this rigid system of phases a person follows through. Infancy, adolescence, childhood, teenage, young adult, adult, mature adult, wise adult, dead adult.
Imagine most people's lives as being on a set of railroads, a set of train trails, with them as the train. They all follow the same train track, and they're all, for the most part, pretty decent with that.
But when I was born, my track wasn't there - all of the pieces were fucking screwy as all hell. And so for the start of my life, my train flew around wildly, looking for just something to ride on, and then one day, I found my track.
I'll say it again.
I found my track.
I found my track, and as soon as I found it, all of those people that ride the same track in life, they ridiculed me for riding a different track. Sure, my track was more colorful and bright, but they wanted me to ride their track. They told me how better I would be if I rode their track.
And, wow did I envy that.
Everytime I saw a little girl or boy, with a mother or father, I had to hold back the tears, on how much I envied them, being able to have a real life. A real family. A real childhood.
Finally, I found my own tracks to be on, and now, all of these people, told me to come ride their tracks. But, I found my tracks.
These people were growing older, but I am growing younger - not physically, but emotionally, and mentally. It feels like I am devolving back into a child, so that I can experience life as I should.
But these people don't understand. They keep telling me to 'grow up', and 'get a job' and 'be more mature'. But I don't want to grow up. I spent most of my life being an adult, now I just want to be a child. And I will be a child, for as long as it takes.
No one will take that away from me.
Not ever again.
...
At one time, I envied those people, that could all ride the same tracks together, and experience life the same.
But now I pity them.
I pity that they aren't as creative as I am.
I pity that they aren't as imaginative as I am.
I pity that, they only see life from one angle, where as I get to see it from many angles.
I pity that, I can live my life as I want, but they have to live it as others dictate.
All those people, that wanted me to ride their tracks?
I pity them.
- Kayla, and Melody.
PS: Kayla will become less and less dominant, and it will be for a long time. Maybe, one day, Kayla will help Melody grow up. But for now, I will be Melody, and I will be a child, and I will love and wonder and imagine and see all the beautiful things in life.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Awww, Fuck you, 2/9/09
This is my new segment entitled, Aww, Fuck you.
Now, typically, I don't gain any pleasure from putting others down, in fact, it usually makes me feel worse. But every so often, someone or some group, does something so stupid, that, it boggles my mind.
The first perp is
People who say 'There is no reason to ever hit a woman'
I have one thing to say to you. Fuck you.
Fuck you and your high misogynistic high horse. (Redundancy anyone? I think so!)
..
"Misogynists?", my imagined you asking. "If they don't want to hit women, how could they possibly be misogynists?"
Simple. First and foremost, they accuse women of being fragile, and special.
Hint: We're not.
Second, this, gender specific notion (Men can be hit without the same kind of social repercussions) details, or follows, from the past, ancient articles. Specifying that women, were property of their husband, or their father, if they hadn't married yet. So, striking a woman, was akin to burning someone's house down.
Hint: Women aren't property.
Third, it's fucking sexist. If a woman hits a man, a man has all right to hit the women with the same amount of force. Likewise, if a man hits a woman, she has all right to hit him back.
Men: You don't have to fucking protect us.
Women: If you think we need protecting, grow the fuck up.
Note: I don't advocate violence at all, just this particular notion struck an angry chord in my egalitarian body.
Now, typically, I don't gain any pleasure from putting others down, in fact, it usually makes me feel worse. But every so often, someone or some group, does something so stupid, that, it boggles my mind.
The first perp is
People who say 'There is no reason to ever hit a woman'
I have one thing to say to you. Fuck you.
Fuck you and your high misogynistic high horse. (Redundancy anyone? I think so!)
..
"Misogynists?", my imagined you asking. "If they don't want to hit women, how could they possibly be misogynists?"
Simple. First and foremost, they accuse women of being fragile, and special.
Hint: We're not.
Second, this, gender specific notion (Men can be hit without the same kind of social repercussions) details, or follows, from the past, ancient articles. Specifying that women, were property of their husband, or their father, if they hadn't married yet. So, striking a woman, was akin to burning someone's house down.
Hint: Women aren't property.
Third, it's fucking sexist. If a woman hits a man, a man has all right to hit the women with the same amount of force. Likewise, if a man hits a woman, she has all right to hit him back.
Men: You don't have to fucking protect us.
Women: If you think we need protecting, grow the fuck up.
Note: I don't advocate violence at all, just this particular notion struck an angry chord in my egalitarian body.
Monday, February the 9th, 2009.
Monday, February the 9th, 2009.
It's 5:50AM
The past few days have been extremely hectic. And I probably won't be able to post here for a bit. So I will leave you with a short story that I wrote.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sillhouette.
The sky is darkened. Stars sprinkle across the eternal void of colorless absence of light. The cement sidewalk sprinkles with flashy spotlights, flickering, shadows moving throughout it's entirety.
A person, a sillhouette of a person, walks over the sidewalk, casting her evil shadow, of which is making mockeries of her. Telling her she's not good enough, she doesn't belong, that the world is doomed. Others pass her, and their shadows shrink as they do, they lower their head, and quickly pass her, afraid of her. They too, know what she is going to do.
Time passes, only a few moments, likewise eternity.
It slows, as coming from the sillhouette flies drops of darkness. Flying everywhere, slowly landing, spurting from the sillhouettes neck. As she falls, landing on her stomache and breast, the lights flicker again.
The drops of darkness, are crimson red.
And the sillhouette, is a small little girl, laying motionless on the ground.
The others pass, doing nothing more than they did before, not even giving her a second glance.
And the world fades to black.
A girl wakes up, first sitting, observing everything around her. Everywhere around her is a grey world, lacking of colors, or life of any kind. It is neither dark, nor light, just varying shades of grey.
The girl, knows nothing. She wonders, Who am I? Why am I here? Where is this place?
She was uncomfortable, there was nothing moving around here. She felt a sense of incontent, she did not belong here. She sat, for minutes, then hours, days, weeks, months, and years, but nothing changed. The world was still grey, and lifeless, and nothing had altered at all.
One day, she felt a small breeze. Just enough to move strands of her hair. Curious, as to what this sensation was, she decided to stand up, and walk towards where the wind was blowing.
She followed the direction of the wind, and the more she did so, the weaker it was. Eventually, she came across a big circle, in the air, not more than a couple feet off of the ground. Regardless of how she looked at it, and from what angle, it was a circle. In the circle, was a little girl lying on the ground, surrounded by pure darkess, with flickering lights reflecting the crimson off of the pool of blood surrounding her.
The little girl, did not know what to think or feel about this. She kept pressing forward, and the wind started to get stronger, flowing in the opposite direction, towards the circle. The little girl, moved around the circle, and quickly realized that the wind was flowing into it.
She shrugged, and decided to move against the wind. She spent an eternal amount of time walking. The further she got away from the circle, the stronger the wind became, stressing her muscles to keep moving.
She came across a rock. It was like any other rock she saw, but it was not purely grey, instead, it had a slight tint of green. Curious, this girl, never experiencing green, picked up the rock and examined it further. Not wanting to disturb the rock any more than she did, she put it back and looked as far as she could.
She noticed more colors, and even a tree in the distance. She walked further, towards the tree, and the wind blew harder than ever, forcing her to shield her eyes. While she glared at the tree, not so far away, she saw something. A sillhouette of a girl.
Someone else, she thought, and she walked towards the sillhouette. The closer she got to the sillhouette of the other girl, the more the wind picked up in strength.
The little girl, felt a little prick. As she looked down at her arms, they were bleeding a greyish matter, the wind was slicing into her skin. She looked towards the sillhouette, even closer than ever, and decided that she wanted to keep going.
She walked. Then jogged. Then ran. Sprinted as far as she could, pieces of skin slicing off, flowing away in the thunderous storm of cascading wind.
She was now a few feet from the other girl, who was brightly colored. The girl, extended her hand out to the brightly colored girl, in hopes of touching her. But the brightly colored girl, just shrugged, looking at the girls immense lack of state.
The girl could go no further, and cried, and screamed, for the other girl, to take her hand. She just wanted to touch the brightly colored girl once.
She put all her effort into it, taking one great step at a time, and then another, and then another, until her fingertips touched the brightly colored girl.
The world is dark. The sky, black, the cemented sidewalk, cold and still. A lampost flickrs, as a sillhouette of a girl, with her hand up to her neck is there.
The lampost stops flickering, and turns on, illuminating the area, and the sillhouette of the girl. The girl, has her hand to her neck, and a razorblade barely penetrating the skin.
Others pass her, paying no heed as they go on with their night.
The girl, shivers, and her eyes dilate. She thinks about her past, and everything that has brought her to this point. Her family, her so called friends, and everyone that has hurt her, in all ways imagineable.
She then imagines the future. She thinks, "No one has ever helped me. I hate them all. But, no one should ever have to go through what I have." A tear falls down her face, and she removes the razor from her neck, throwing it on the ground, then she walks away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's 5:50AM
The past few days have been extremely hectic. And I probably won't be able to post here for a bit. So I will leave you with a short story that I wrote.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sillhouette.
The sky is darkened. Stars sprinkle across the eternal void of colorless absence of light. The cement sidewalk sprinkles with flashy spotlights, flickering, shadows moving throughout it's entirety.
A person, a sillhouette of a person, walks over the sidewalk, casting her evil shadow, of which is making mockeries of her. Telling her she's not good enough, she doesn't belong, that the world is doomed. Others pass her, and their shadows shrink as they do, they lower their head, and quickly pass her, afraid of her. They too, know what she is going to do.
Time passes, only a few moments, likewise eternity.
It slows, as coming from the sillhouette flies drops of darkness. Flying everywhere, slowly landing, spurting from the sillhouettes neck. As she falls, landing on her stomache and breast, the lights flicker again.
The drops of darkness, are crimson red.
And the sillhouette, is a small little girl, laying motionless on the ground.
The others pass, doing nothing more than they did before, not even giving her a second glance.
And the world fades to black.
A girl wakes up, first sitting, observing everything around her. Everywhere around her is a grey world, lacking of colors, or life of any kind. It is neither dark, nor light, just varying shades of grey.
The girl, knows nothing. She wonders, Who am I? Why am I here? Where is this place?
She was uncomfortable, there was nothing moving around here. She felt a sense of incontent, she did not belong here. She sat, for minutes, then hours, days, weeks, months, and years, but nothing changed. The world was still grey, and lifeless, and nothing had altered at all.
One day, she felt a small breeze. Just enough to move strands of her hair. Curious, as to what this sensation was, she decided to stand up, and walk towards where the wind was blowing.
She followed the direction of the wind, and the more she did so, the weaker it was. Eventually, she came across a big circle, in the air, not more than a couple feet off of the ground. Regardless of how she looked at it, and from what angle, it was a circle. In the circle, was a little girl lying on the ground, surrounded by pure darkess, with flickering lights reflecting the crimson off of the pool of blood surrounding her.
The little girl, did not know what to think or feel about this. She kept pressing forward, and the wind started to get stronger, flowing in the opposite direction, towards the circle. The little girl, moved around the circle, and quickly realized that the wind was flowing into it.
She shrugged, and decided to move against the wind. She spent an eternal amount of time walking. The further she got away from the circle, the stronger the wind became, stressing her muscles to keep moving.
She came across a rock. It was like any other rock she saw, but it was not purely grey, instead, it had a slight tint of green. Curious, this girl, never experiencing green, picked up the rock and examined it further. Not wanting to disturb the rock any more than she did, she put it back and looked as far as she could.
She noticed more colors, and even a tree in the distance. She walked further, towards the tree, and the wind blew harder than ever, forcing her to shield her eyes. While she glared at the tree, not so far away, she saw something. A sillhouette of a girl.
Someone else, she thought, and she walked towards the sillhouette. The closer she got to the sillhouette of the other girl, the more the wind picked up in strength.
The little girl, felt a little prick. As she looked down at her arms, they were bleeding a greyish matter, the wind was slicing into her skin. She looked towards the sillhouette, even closer than ever, and decided that she wanted to keep going.
She walked. Then jogged. Then ran. Sprinted as far as she could, pieces of skin slicing off, flowing away in the thunderous storm of cascading wind.
She was now a few feet from the other girl, who was brightly colored. The girl, extended her hand out to the brightly colored girl, in hopes of touching her. But the brightly colored girl, just shrugged, looking at the girls immense lack of state.
The girl could go no further, and cried, and screamed, for the other girl, to take her hand. She just wanted to touch the brightly colored girl once.
She put all her effort into it, taking one great step at a time, and then another, and then another, until her fingertips touched the brightly colored girl.
The world is dark. The sky, black, the cemented sidewalk, cold and still. A lampost flickrs, as a sillhouette of a girl, with her hand up to her neck is there.
The lampost stops flickering, and turns on, illuminating the area, and the sillhouette of the girl. The girl, has her hand to her neck, and a razorblade barely penetrating the skin.
Others pass her, paying no heed as they go on with their night.
The girl, shivers, and her eyes dilate. She thinks about her past, and everything that has brought her to this point. Her family, her so called friends, and everyone that has hurt her, in all ways imagineable.
She then imagines the future. She thinks, "No one has ever helped me. I hate them all. But, no one should ever have to go through what I have." A tear falls down her face, and she removes the razor from her neck, throwing it on the ground, then she walks away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Saturday, February the 7th, 2009
Saturday, February the 7th, 2009
Gold sprayed things look more gold than gold.
Starting song of the day:
Goals for today:
Wake up []
Get some progging done []
Setup basic construction page for site []
Shower []
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:49PM
I went to sleep at 3AM yesterday (Most of it waiting for Will to get home), and got up at noon today.
Yesterday I obtained the use of the drunken moneymaker, and got a webhost. Woot.
Took me meds at noon, still haven't kicked in. I may be caught in a downcycle.
Sucks.
Will write more when I can type and think coherently.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:30PM
Duuude. I meant to update you all day long, but it's been hectic as FUUUUCK.
Did a good show, made a decent amount, I very much enjoyed it.
Got a webhost. Working on that.
So much stuff to do.
Blah.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gold sprayed things look more gold than gold.
Starting song of the day:
Goals for today:
Wake up []
Get some progging done []
Setup basic construction page for site []
Shower []
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:49PM
I went to sleep at 3AM yesterday (Most of it waiting for Will to get home), and got up at noon today.
Yesterday I obtained the use of the drunken moneymaker, and got a webhost. Woot.
Took me meds at noon, still haven't kicked in. I may be caught in a downcycle.
Sucks.
Will write more when I can type and think coherently.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:30PM
Duuude. I meant to update you all day long, but it's been hectic as FUUUUCK.
Did a good show, made a decent amount, I very much enjoyed it.
Got a webhost. Working on that.
So much stuff to do.
Blah.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, February 6, 2009
Friday, February 6th, 2009
The box on the boxxers is boxing away as I box it to the moon.
It's Will's birthday today, which I am more than sure I will mention many times.
Starting Song of the Day:
Ending Song of the Day:
Todays Goals:
Wake up and worry about goals later [Done]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:18AM
Didn't get to sleep till 2 or 3ish.
Damnit you upcycles. Stop fucking with my circadian rhythm. It's taken me two weeks to get to it. Oh well.
Woke up at 10AM, popped some pills, saw that I missed mommy by about 20 minutes *sadface* and I wanted to talk to her. I don't have any memorable dreams, which seems to be a theme while on the pills, so, we'll see. Today feels decent enough, Will took off from work, since it's his birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:46PM
Got back from a breakfast place. I had a big ass biscuit, a couple small cheese tater things (very small, I wanted fries, they gave me like tater-things, 'homefries', fries my ass), and three slices of bacon. Some chocolate milk as well.
So, I haven't bit my nails in a week, and I'll probably go get them done today or tomorrow, not sure which yet. But I want them painted red like my toenails, and to get my toenails redone.
Taking my mones in a couple minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2:30PM
Rushing when I'm trying to teach a class. Not very productive.
La de da.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:40PM
Dear Diary, it is currently 3:40PM at the start of this post. It will noticeably be later by the time I finish.
Dear Diary, My vacation, the one that was supposed to allow me to NOT deal with other peoples problems? It hasn't worked at all. I'm still dealing with them. But, you know, that's alright. I love helping people, I love helping them to help each other. So, even if my vacation hasn't quite worked out to plan, oh well. You know, it works I suppose.
So. I was planning on writing this huge post on how to be a good person, but the priority on that has shrunken a bit, so I can write this post. Vent my emotions some.
So, I have this friend. I've known him quite some time. We've been decent to far friends for, I think, two years now. More or less. Recently, we've talked and grown a lot closer, mostly due to various troubles. I care about him immensely, and is one of the few people I've given any serious consideration to meeting in real life. Now, while I am usually very lax on that, and will meet anyone offchancedly that they show up, he's one of the only few I've given any thought about actually going to visit.
Go figure.
But, he has some problems. One concerning his emotions. It's incredibly easy to upset him or get him into a jolt. A very feminine thing, which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have this huge masculine pride to balance it. That is, critisizing him, isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, especially when I feel bad about it. I always think he's going to take it the wrong way, and, sometimes he does. Maybe it's because I can't explain myself clear and concisely.
Anyways, about....six monthish ago, more or less, he complained about breaking up with his wife, exwife, girlfriend. Maybe it was longer than that, but until that point, I didn't give it any serious consideration. He complained about his ex. All these bad things, like how she was mean, conniving, spiteful, so on, so forth.
I took them at face value. He said someone was mean, so my first thoughts were 'they must be really mean.' Obviously. But over time, he kept saying she was mean, or wrong, or whatever. But he never critisized himself. So obviously he felt like the one being hurt, but still, it's abnormal to crtisize only the other person, and didn't bode well for my thinking of him. I mean, it's easy to say 'it's all her fault', and not say 'it's our fault', but when you say 'it's all her fault', in my head, it makes think you think way too highly of yourself.
He has poor communication skills. Whether or not this is because he's bad at expressing himself, or he's bad at understanding others. I'm not sure. But, recently, he has helped me, but kept giving me the impression that he was thinking way too deep. He kept thinking I was suicidal, when I was only depressed slightly. Still, I know how hard it is for me to express myself, so it could be a combination of these things.
So, he had a breakup recently. Today infact it seems. In hindsight of the reading, the breakup was definately caused by them both. But, before I saw that it was definately caused by both, he fell into his rhythm of 'it's all her fault, she did it, she's horrible' type of thing. After seeing this for a bit, my first thought was either he needs to stop looking at his own reality through blood eyes, and see how it is, or that he might actually be slightly misogynistic.
Not majorly mind you, if I thought he was, I probably wouldn't talk to him at all. But at least a little. So, I said what I first thought. That he should see a man. That way I could decypher between 'self confidence' and 'dislike of women'. Now, I'm fairly sure it's the former, the 'self confidence'.
His pride blinds him with the blood that causes it. His emotions cause him to further the pain.
These aren't a good fucking combo.
Anyways, He didn't take the whole misogynistic and seeing-a-man thing very well. In hindsight, I suppose most people wouldn't take it very kindly if I told them to go be gay when they've been straight. Ahh well. Afterwards, I saw exactly what happened, and not just how he prescribed it.
In essence, the girl said something that was stupid. Then, she decided she didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to just, shutup and forget it. Now, to me, that seems horrible. Relationships are about open communication. Talking to one each other, even if it's painful. So are friendships. But there are times when it's just too stressful to talk about or whatever.
His pride got in the way, and essentially said 'talk or walk'. Woooah. Stop right there. That essentially said to me 'Our entire relationship depends on you doing something I want, even though you don't want to do it'.
You know, my biological father did that, when I was three. He told my birth-female 'It's the child, or me'.
...
Anyways. I tried telling him about his folly, and hers as well. And the more I tried doing it, the less good I felt. I felt like I was the bad girl. I felt like he felt I was attacking him along with the girl.
Bah.
Maybe I am just writing all this because I have excess emotions myself, or maybe I think he needs to change. I'm not sure. In the end, I've learned one lesson.
....
People don't like being critisized.
It's now 4:05PM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:38PM
Will: I'm sorry I ruined my birthday for you.
Me: Yeah I know
Will: hahahahahaha
Me: hahahahaha
(Post Edit: Will wasn't doing anything for his birthday, so I told him to call his friends and they can go out. He made plans for it to be at 8. And so for the next four fucking hours, he stressed about being on time, even though he has never been on time for ANYthing else before. So I missed the place I wanted to go to eat, settling for a cheap alternative. Then I wanted to go get some vodka, so we could make an sour apple vodka thing, with some sour skittles. But nooo..."It's too late, I need to get home and go" he says.
So on the way home, his friends call him up, and tell him they won't be there till 8:30-9.
AHHGHGHGH!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9:35PM
Still haven't taken my hormones today. Jeez. I'm lazy.
Doing that as I write this right now....
Okay...got the pepsi....
8 spiros...1 premarin....
done. Yay!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11PM:
This is a list of the meds I'm on.
Hormones:
200 MG of Spironolactone. 25MG a pill, have to take 8 pills a day, at breakfast.
1.25MG of Premarin a day. One pill a day, whenever.
5Mg of Finasteride, one pill a day. (This may only be for this month)
Anti-narcoleptic, and all over, life saver:
200MG of Provigil/Modafinil, as soon as I wake up. One a day. (Doc may want me to switch to ritalin, it's cheaper, but Provigil works so fucking well. I GOTTA FIGHT. FOR MY RIGHT. TO PARTAY.)
In addition,
For my legs:
Hydrocortisone cream.
Bactroban Cream.
Lubriderm for moisturizing.
For my feet:
Aquaphor.
................
WARNING: Fun stuff follows. If you don't want fun (intimate) stuff, and aren't mature enough for it, DO NOT READ THE REST OF THIS POST. (Until you get to the many ~~'s)
So, where it concerns my hormones, this part of this post is specified for my masturbationary responses.
Mostly, since I've been on hormones for the eight months, masturbation went from several times a day (five or so), all feeling very good, to, once a day, begrudgingly, that feels good almost never. But I still have to do it.
Now, concerning ejaculation, before I was on hormones, it was the stereotypical 'male' response. Except the ejaculation was extremely miniscule in comparison to the average male. I shall account that to the hormonal imbalance I have.
But now, it depends highly variable on how I'm feeling, but in all cases, it's an entirely different liquid. It's no longer white at all, but a pure clear liquid, that's like a slicker-than-silk. If I rub the ejaculate for a short while, it will become mildly sticky (think kind of like wet-sugar-on-skin sticky, not like glue-between-fingers sticky, reminiscent of male ejaculate). Furthermore, the ejaculate doesn't ever feel good, or especially relaxing coming out.
Most of the times, depending on how I'm feeling, I won't even feel it at all. This is usually when I'm 'not hot', but masturbating because I have to. Now, on the few occassions where I have been extremely 'hot', it all spurt out at once. An amount that would make most pornography squirters envy. Still, it feels like I'm peeing myself when I'm 'hot', and isn't a particularly fulfilling feeling. In addition, I no longer experience erections of any sort, except for about five seconds before orgasm, and even then, it wouldn't even classify for 'flaccid'.
Several times, depending on how I'm sitting, and this may be due to the hormones, or my natural size (caused by hormonal imbalance), or both, nowadays, I will feel 'it' enter me. As if 'it' inverts by itself. It creates a very weird sensation, obviously as if something is inside me. I suppose this is how all women feel when being penetrated, even though this is just my own body. I'll have to revert to this frame of thought once I finish my surgery, to see how that compares to the 'auto inversion' feeling I'm having many of recently.
Holy shit. I've listened to this song for like the last half hour. Jeez. Click to Listen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's Will's birthday today, which I am more than sure I will mention many times.
Starting Song of the Day:
Ending Song of the Day:
Todays Goals:
Wake up and worry about goals later [Done]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:18AM
Didn't get to sleep till 2 or 3ish.
Damnit you upcycles. Stop fucking with my circadian rhythm. It's taken me two weeks to get to it. Oh well.
Woke up at 10AM, popped some pills, saw that I missed mommy by about 20 minutes *sadface* and I wanted to talk to her. I don't have any memorable dreams, which seems to be a theme while on the pills, so, we'll see. Today feels decent enough, Will took off from work, since it's his birthday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:46PM
Got back from a breakfast place. I had a big ass biscuit, a couple small cheese tater things (very small, I wanted fries, they gave me like tater-things, 'homefries', fries my ass), and three slices of bacon. Some chocolate milk as well.
So, I haven't bit my nails in a week, and I'll probably go get them done today or tomorrow, not sure which yet. But I want them painted red like my toenails, and to get my toenails redone.
Taking my mones in a couple minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2:30PM
Rushing when I'm trying to teach a class. Not very productive.
La de da.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:40PM
Dear Diary, it is currently 3:40PM at the start of this post. It will noticeably be later by the time I finish.
Dear Diary, My vacation, the one that was supposed to allow me to NOT deal with other peoples problems? It hasn't worked at all. I'm still dealing with them. But, you know, that's alright. I love helping people, I love helping them to help each other. So, even if my vacation hasn't quite worked out to plan, oh well. You know, it works I suppose.
So. I was planning on writing this huge post on how to be a good person, but the priority on that has shrunken a bit, so I can write this post. Vent my emotions some.
So, I have this friend. I've known him quite some time. We've been decent to far friends for, I think, two years now. More or less. Recently, we've talked and grown a lot closer, mostly due to various troubles. I care about him immensely, and is one of the few people I've given any serious consideration to meeting in real life. Now, while I am usually very lax on that, and will meet anyone offchancedly that they show up, he's one of the only few I've given any thought about actually going to visit.
Go figure.
But, he has some problems. One concerning his emotions. It's incredibly easy to upset him or get him into a jolt. A very feminine thing, which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have this huge masculine pride to balance it. That is, critisizing him, isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, especially when I feel bad about it. I always think he's going to take it the wrong way, and, sometimes he does. Maybe it's because I can't explain myself clear and concisely.
Anyways, about....six monthish ago, more or less, he complained about breaking up with his wife, exwife, girlfriend. Maybe it was longer than that, but until that point, I didn't give it any serious consideration. He complained about his ex. All these bad things, like how she was mean, conniving, spiteful, so on, so forth.
I took them at face value. He said someone was mean, so my first thoughts were 'they must be really mean.' Obviously. But over time, he kept saying she was mean, or wrong, or whatever. But he never critisized himself. So obviously he felt like the one being hurt, but still, it's abnormal to crtisize only the other person, and didn't bode well for my thinking of him. I mean, it's easy to say 'it's all her fault', and not say 'it's our fault', but when you say 'it's all her fault', in my head, it makes think you think way too highly of yourself.
He has poor communication skills. Whether or not this is because he's bad at expressing himself, or he's bad at understanding others. I'm not sure. But, recently, he has helped me, but kept giving me the impression that he was thinking way too deep. He kept thinking I was suicidal, when I was only depressed slightly. Still, I know how hard it is for me to express myself, so it could be a combination of these things.
So, he had a breakup recently. Today infact it seems. In hindsight of the reading, the breakup was definately caused by them both. But, before I saw that it was definately caused by both, he fell into his rhythm of 'it's all her fault, she did it, she's horrible' type of thing. After seeing this for a bit, my first thought was either he needs to stop looking at his own reality through blood eyes, and see how it is, or that he might actually be slightly misogynistic.
Not majorly mind you, if I thought he was, I probably wouldn't talk to him at all. But at least a little. So, I said what I first thought. That he should see a man. That way I could decypher between 'self confidence' and 'dislike of women'. Now, I'm fairly sure it's the former, the 'self confidence'.
His pride blinds him with the blood that causes it. His emotions cause him to further the pain.
These aren't a good fucking combo.
Anyways, He didn't take the whole misogynistic and seeing-a-man thing very well. In hindsight, I suppose most people wouldn't take it very kindly if I told them to go be gay when they've been straight. Ahh well. Afterwards, I saw exactly what happened, and not just how he prescribed it.
In essence, the girl said something that was stupid. Then, she decided she didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to just, shutup and forget it. Now, to me, that seems horrible. Relationships are about open communication. Talking to one each other, even if it's painful. So are friendships. But there are times when it's just too stressful to talk about or whatever.
His pride got in the way, and essentially said 'talk or walk'. Woooah. Stop right there. That essentially said to me 'Our entire relationship depends on you doing something I want, even though you don't want to do it'.
You know, my biological father did that, when I was three. He told my birth-female 'It's the child, or me'.
...
Anyways. I tried telling him about his folly, and hers as well. And the more I tried doing it, the less good I felt. I felt like I was the bad girl. I felt like he felt I was attacking him along with the girl.
Bah.
Maybe I am just writing all this because I have excess emotions myself, or maybe I think he needs to change. I'm not sure. In the end, I've learned one lesson.
....
People don't like being critisized.
It's now 4:05PM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:38PM
Will: I'm sorry I ruined my birthday for you.
Me: Yeah I know
Will: hahahahahaha
Me: hahahahaha
(Post Edit: Will wasn't doing anything for his birthday, so I told him to call his friends and they can go out. He made plans for it to be at 8. And so for the next four fucking hours, he stressed about being on time, even though he has never been on time for ANYthing else before. So I missed the place I wanted to go to eat, settling for a cheap alternative. Then I wanted to go get some vodka, so we could make an sour apple vodka thing, with some sour skittles. But nooo..."It's too late, I need to get home and go" he says.
So on the way home, his friends call him up, and tell him they won't be there till 8:30-9.
AHHGHGHGH!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9:35PM
Still haven't taken my hormones today. Jeez. I'm lazy.
Doing that as I write this right now....
Okay...got the pepsi....
8 spiros...1 premarin....
done. Yay!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11PM:
This is a list of the meds I'm on.
Hormones:
200 MG of Spironolactone. 25MG a pill, have to take 8 pills a day, at breakfast.
1.25MG of Premarin a day. One pill a day, whenever.
5Mg of Finasteride, one pill a day. (This may only be for this month)
Anti-narcoleptic, and all over, life saver:
200MG of Provigil/Modafinil, as soon as I wake up. One a day. (Doc may want me to switch to ritalin, it's cheaper, but Provigil works so fucking well. I GOTTA FIGHT. FOR MY RIGHT. TO PARTAY.)
In addition,
For my legs:
Hydrocortisone cream.
Bactroban Cream.
Lubriderm for moisturizing.
For my feet:
Aquaphor.
................
WARNING: Fun stuff follows. If you don't want fun (intimate) stuff, and aren't mature enough for it, DO NOT READ THE REST OF THIS POST. (Until you get to the many ~~'s)
So, where it concerns my hormones, this part of this post is specified for my masturbationary responses.
Mostly, since I've been on hormones for the eight months, masturbation went from several times a day (five or so), all feeling very good, to, once a day, begrudgingly, that feels good almost never. But I still have to do it.
Now, concerning ejaculation, before I was on hormones, it was the stereotypical 'male' response. Except the ejaculation was extremely miniscule in comparison to the average male. I shall account that to the hormonal imbalance I have.
But now, it depends highly variable on how I'm feeling, but in all cases, it's an entirely different liquid. It's no longer white at all, but a pure clear liquid, that's like a slicker-than-silk. If I rub the ejaculate for a short while, it will become mildly sticky (think kind of like wet-sugar-on-skin sticky, not like glue-between-fingers sticky, reminiscent of male ejaculate). Furthermore, the ejaculate doesn't ever feel good, or especially relaxing coming out.
Most of the times, depending on how I'm feeling, I won't even feel it at all. This is usually when I'm 'not hot', but masturbating because I have to. Now, on the few occassions where I have been extremely 'hot', it all spurt out at once. An amount that would make most pornography squirters envy. Still, it feels like I'm peeing myself when I'm 'hot', and isn't a particularly fulfilling feeling. In addition, I no longer experience erections of any sort, except for about five seconds before orgasm, and even then, it wouldn't even classify for 'flaccid'.
Several times, depending on how I'm sitting, and this may be due to the hormones, or my natural size (caused by hormonal imbalance), or both, nowadays, I will feel 'it' enter me. As if 'it' inverts by itself. It creates a very weird sensation, obviously as if something is inside me. I suppose this is how all women feel when being penetrated, even though this is just my own body. I'll have to revert to this frame of thought once I finish my surgery, to see how that compares to the 'auto inversion' feeling I'm having many of recently.
Holy shit. I've listened to this song for like the last half hour. Jeez. Click to Listen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Thursday, February the 5th, 2009
Thursday, February the 5th, 2009
Feelings are nummay.
Starting song of the day:
Ending song of the day:
Todo: (This will be changed, edited, added, removed, so on, throughout the day)
Shower. Jeezus. I need to shower. []
30 minute meditation. []
More coding. [Done]
Continue my non-vacation vacation [Done]
Rewrite landowners and employers guide for my show []
Depending on temp, going out walking. [N/A] : Okay yeah, no, fuck that. It's 42F at it's HIGH today. Which amounts to 5C.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:48AM
Went to sleep last night at 10:30PM.
Holy shit. If this is what happens after going to sleep one and a half early, remind me not to fuck with my sleep schedule. It's hard enough staying in a circadian rhythm taking massive amounts of pillage.
Woke up at 2AM to get a drink. Mouth was fucking dry as hell. I stayed up for all of about five minutes. I saw mommy on, but I got this really intense feeling, I don't know how to explain it, that she didn't want to talk. So I left her alone. In hindsight of reading her blog, I'm not sure this is a good, or a bad thing.
Woke up at 4:30AM. Mouth was dry as hell. Couldn't get back to sleep. Did my basic round of stuff, got something to drink, looked at second life, looked for anyone I cared enough for to start a pre-wake conversation. So, here I am. Day two. Let's see what fun happens today.
Mouth still is dry as hell. Even after plunging what amounts to three cups of liquids. And I'm out of apple juice, leaving only pop. Ugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution: Egotistical Narcissistic Rant Ahead: Feel Free To Skip
Okay. So, I consider myself intelligent. Now, because I am egotistical and narcissistic, I consider myself highly intelligent. Often liking myself to the higher echelons in society, pertaining to pure intelligence. Now, of course, in reality.
I'm not overly intelligent, nor am I the best thinking machine in the world (which I purely reserve for my computer). I am content with just bettering myself everyday, becoming more intelligent, knowledgeable, and wiser than the previous day. That said, many people have this preconception that, because of what I do, or because I'm fluent at what I do, that I must be incredibly intelligent. Which has obviously inflated my ego some.
But in a purely objectionable format. I am simply 'above average', when it consists of the standard earth adult.
So, this rant is concerned with others. How I perceive their intelligence, which is again, influenced by my perceptions caused by my ego. Now, very rarely, will I ever consider someone coming close to, or matching, and almost never, exceeding my own intelligence. But, there are people I have acknowledged as being intelligent, or coming close to myself.
I've found one thing is universal among them. They're all egotistical pricks. (See a theme here yet?) In addition, I don't get along with any of them. Unlike many founders of high-IQ societies believe, Intelligence is NOT key to communication. I've found that most intelligent people are too stuck up their own ass, to actually do anything concerning anyone else. A waste of space? Yes. Am I different? I try to be, although sometimes I don't think I'm doing such a good job.
And, while I don't let this influence my communication at all, I find it, unappetizing, to lower my intellectual thought, so that others can understand me. It makes me feel all uneasy inside, although I've grown much to the feeling.
So, that presents the problem. The meaning of this. Who can I talk to without feeling bad? I can't talk to those that I deem intellectual, because of their very nature of being extremely into themselves, and their research. I can't talk to those that I deem lesser, because I'm afraid that what I say may go over their heads, or that even if they do understand it, not to the same degree that I want them to, or emphasis, or whatever. It makes for a lonely life, when I feel that anyone I talk to, I have to hide parts of myself.
So I'm talking to myself. My present self. My future self. And if I ever invent a time machine with time-connected internet and laptop, my past self. No one is as suited for my intelligence, knowledge, and wisdom, as I am. This is another reason as to why my journal exists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6AM
My tummy is full of various liquids such as water, applejuice, and mountain dew.
Nummy.
Taking my pills now, which means I've functioned nearly two hours, at a high intellectual capacity, without pills. Holy shit that's not going to last long.
Pill poppers unite!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8ish AM
Will: You're freaking out.
Will: Oh my god, you're freaking out.
Will: When I was younger, I used to call that spastic.
Me: We just call it Hyperactive now.
Yeah. I had like a super energy boost, that coincidentally coincided with Will waking up, so as he woke up, I was dancing and spinning all about the floor to the music. It was awesome.
Yup.
I'm awesome.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:29 AM
This next rant, is going to have lots of fucking. And I don't mean the sexually provocative act either.
Melody Grace's Guide on how to be a fucking Adult.
One.
If you don't get something you want. Don't cry about it. Keep fucking trying.
As children, we're often taught, that, if you whine about something long enough, someone older and wiser will come to fix it. If you whine about not having candy, or not getting your toy long enough, your mom will come and buy it.
This is bullshit. If you're going to act like that, then you will be treated as a child. Now, some people, want to be treated like a child. That's fine. I love being a child. I love when people treat me like a child. And I do this ALL the time. But if you want to be taken as a respectable adult, do not whine and cry and bitch and moan about things you don't get, but think you deserve.
Two.
Don't compare yourself to other people. Just don't. It doesn't matter whether they're more accomplished or less accomplished, it will always create a false sense of personal achievement. Either you feel that you haven't done enough, or that you've done more than others. It's not right. Now admittedly, sometimes it is healthy to compare yourself to other, but most of the time, it's not.
Again, really, this is how a child acts when they're growing up. They see other children, some lesser, some better, and this is how they learn to rank themselves in their respective society. But as an adult, it's silly. Really.
Three.
Don't give up. If you're trying to do something, don't give up because you fucking failed one, or fucking failed twice, or even fucking failed a thousand fucking times. If you fail at something, it means next time, you try harder. Eventually, if you keep trying harder than the previous time, you will get something right. Or you will die trying. But don't give up just because 'I can't do it', or even because of other factors like 'they won't let me'.
Four.
Don't base your happiness on external factors. It doesn't matter how much money you have, how many items you have, or don't have. How many close friends, or general friends, or anything else. If you base your happiness on external factors, you will get fucked eventually. This is about the hardest one to pull off. Even I, GREAT KALA MASTAH, cannot pull it off, and about half of my happiness derives from external factors concerning materialism and so on.
Five.
Deal with your fucking emotions. First off, don't place your emotions onto other people. I don't care if you've had a bad fucking day, don't come home and yell at people just because your day sucked. Likewise with sadness or depression. If someone is having a good day, don't actively try to bring them down just because your day is bad.
Second off, don't fucking hold your emotions in, eventually you're going to fucking explode and hurt lots of people around you.
Third off, find WAYS to release your emotions without inflicting them on others. If you're a programmer, make something and release your anger and sadness. If you're an artist, fucking make a masterfuckingpiece using your anger or sadness as an energy source. Ya know, don't just sit there and take it out on everyone around you.
Six.
Make goals for yourself. Make them in a timely fashion. Sort them into importance and time you think you can get them done. DO THEM. Fuck, do them. There is no reason you should ever not complete a goal. If it's important to you, you will do everything in your power to get it done. If you want a new computer, but don't have the money, you will save up, or get a second job. If you want a relationship, FIND one, they're all over the place.
Seven. (addendum to six)
Don't complain, bitch, whine, moan, groan, grunt, or otherwise. There are times when it's acceptable to complain, such as when something is outside your power to shape and change the world. For example, a natural disaster, or a family member dieing. But there are times when it's NOT acceptable to complain, such as when something IS inside your power, and you refuse to do it. Such as getting a job, or traveling or whatever.
Eight.
Find your safefun balance. Safety, and Fun, are almost always mutually exclusive, and inversely proportioned. The more safe you are, such as hiding in your home, usually, the less fun you're going to have. Likewise, the less safe you are, such as skydiving, usually, the more fun you're going to have. Now, it's stupid to be at the extreme of either of these, because one means you're never having fun, and the other means you're unecessarily risking your life. So find your balance.
Nine.
Love your friends and neighbors. Don't do anything that could jeapordize them, or their happiness, and actively try to help them in any way you can. Remember those times when you needed help, and no one was around? Everyone goes through those times. Be the person that's there, when someone else needs help. Even if you get hurt, or burned because of it, you will almost always feel better about yourself, or the day.
Ten.
Have fun.
If you're not having fun, you probably shouldn't be living.
Now, this guide is designed to teach you how to be an adult in MY eyes. Not societies, or anyone elses. Furthermore, you don't have to be an adult, you can be a child too, if you want to be treated as one. I LOVE being a child, I LOVE being treated like a child, and I will stay a child until I decide I can grow up. This guide is for those who aren't sure of how adults should be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:30AM
I'm about to eat breakfast or lunch. Only because my tummy is having 'You've changed. I don't even know you anymore. You never feed me. What happened? Was it something I did? It was wasn't it? I'll change! I promise' pains.
So Pizza. Pepperoni Pizza, admittedly from a different place than yesterday (which was papa johns, this place is called Rocko's New York Pizza. It's not noticeably better, but a change of pace.
INTO THE OVEN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:50PM
Formication again. Ugh. Also, very hot. Hot flash maybe. Opening the doors.
four minutes later....
Fell down again. The recent fainting, that is, today and the past few days, only seem to be muscle weakening. They don't have the dizziness and headache, as well as blindness, that I've had previously. Also, they only seem to affect me on a down cycle, when I feel depressed and tired.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:25PM
If I keep going at this freakishly high rate, eventually I'm just going to run out of shit to say. Maybe. Will definately make future posts, like a year from now, easier to read and far more concise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6:44PM
Programmed a slot randomizer chance finder. That is, given certain assumptions, it will tell you how many times you need to pull a lever on a slot machine, to get jackpot.
Programmed a basic time dilation utility.
Working on programming a droid that will help me out.
Also: I gotta go to the bathroom. Both pee and poo. And Will is in there taking a bath.
Woe is me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:57PM
Me: Although the Surgeon General recommends against playing WoW
Will: Why, cause I'll go blind?
Me: Yes, you will masturbate and go blind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:47PM
taking meds, heading to bed.
Still didn't get my shower. Damnit. Goodnight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feelings are nummay.
Starting song of the day:
Ending song of the day:
Todo: (This will be changed, edited, added, removed, so on, throughout the day)
Shower. Jeezus. I need to shower. []
30 minute meditation. []
More coding. [Done]
Continue my non-vacation vacation [Done]
Rewrite landowners and employers guide for my show []
Depending on temp, going out walking. [N/A] : Okay yeah, no, fuck that. It's 42F at it's HIGH today. Which amounts to 5C.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:48AM
Went to sleep last night at 10:30PM.
Holy shit. If this is what happens after going to sleep one and a half early, remind me not to fuck with my sleep schedule. It's hard enough staying in a circadian rhythm taking massive amounts of pillage.
Woke up at 2AM to get a drink. Mouth was fucking dry as hell. I stayed up for all of about five minutes. I saw mommy on, but I got this really intense feeling, I don't know how to explain it, that she didn't want to talk. So I left her alone. In hindsight of reading her blog, I'm not sure this is a good, or a bad thing.
Woke up at 4:30AM. Mouth was dry as hell. Couldn't get back to sleep. Did my basic round of stuff, got something to drink, looked at second life, looked for anyone I cared enough for to start a pre-wake conversation. So, here I am. Day two. Let's see what fun happens today.
Mouth still is dry as hell. Even after plunging what amounts to three cups of liquids. And I'm out of apple juice, leaving only pop. Ugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution: Egotistical Narcissistic Rant Ahead: Feel Free To Skip
Okay. So, I consider myself intelligent. Now, because I am egotistical and narcissistic, I consider myself highly intelligent. Often liking myself to the higher echelons in society, pertaining to pure intelligence. Now, of course, in reality.
I'm not overly intelligent, nor am I the best thinking machine in the world (which I purely reserve for my computer). I am content with just bettering myself everyday, becoming more intelligent, knowledgeable, and wiser than the previous day. That said, many people have this preconception that, because of what I do, or because I'm fluent at what I do, that I must be incredibly intelligent. Which has obviously inflated my ego some.
But in a purely objectionable format. I am simply 'above average', when it consists of the standard earth adult.
So, this rant is concerned with others. How I perceive their intelligence, which is again, influenced by my perceptions caused by my ego. Now, very rarely, will I ever consider someone coming close to, or matching, and almost never, exceeding my own intelligence. But, there are people I have acknowledged as being intelligent, or coming close to myself.
I've found one thing is universal among them. They're all egotistical pricks. (See a theme here yet?) In addition, I don't get along with any of them. Unlike many founders of high-IQ societies believe, Intelligence is NOT key to communication. I've found that most intelligent people are too stuck up their own ass, to actually do anything concerning anyone else. A waste of space? Yes. Am I different? I try to be, although sometimes I don't think I'm doing such a good job.
And, while I don't let this influence my communication at all, I find it, unappetizing, to lower my intellectual thought, so that others can understand me. It makes me feel all uneasy inside, although I've grown much to the feeling.
So, that presents the problem. The meaning of this. Who can I talk to without feeling bad? I can't talk to those that I deem intellectual, because of their very nature of being extremely into themselves, and their research. I can't talk to those that I deem lesser, because I'm afraid that what I say may go over their heads, or that even if they do understand it, not to the same degree that I want them to, or emphasis, or whatever. It makes for a lonely life, when I feel that anyone I talk to, I have to hide parts of myself.
So I'm talking to myself. My present self. My future self. And if I ever invent a time machine with time-connected internet and laptop, my past self. No one is as suited for my intelligence, knowledge, and wisdom, as I am. This is another reason as to why my journal exists.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6AM
My tummy is full of various liquids such as water, applejuice, and mountain dew.
Nummy.
Taking my pills now, which means I've functioned nearly two hours, at a high intellectual capacity, without pills. Holy shit that's not going to last long.
Pill poppers unite!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8ish AM
Will: You're freaking out.
Will: Oh my god, you're freaking out.
Will: When I was younger, I used to call that spastic.
Me: We just call it Hyperactive now.
Yeah. I had like a super energy boost, that coincidentally coincided with Will waking up, so as he woke up, I was dancing and spinning all about the floor to the music. It was awesome.
Yup.
I'm awesome.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:29 AM
This next rant, is going to have lots of fucking. And I don't mean the sexually provocative act either.
Melody Grace's Guide on how to be a fucking Adult.
One.
If you don't get something you want. Don't cry about it. Keep fucking trying.
As children, we're often taught, that, if you whine about something long enough, someone older and wiser will come to fix it. If you whine about not having candy, or not getting your toy long enough, your mom will come and buy it.
This is bullshit. If you're going to act like that, then you will be treated as a child. Now, some people, want to be treated like a child. That's fine. I love being a child. I love when people treat me like a child. And I do this ALL the time. But if you want to be taken as a respectable adult, do not whine and cry and bitch and moan about things you don't get, but think you deserve.
Two.
Don't compare yourself to other people. Just don't. It doesn't matter whether they're more accomplished or less accomplished, it will always create a false sense of personal achievement. Either you feel that you haven't done enough, or that you've done more than others. It's not right. Now admittedly, sometimes it is healthy to compare yourself to other, but most of the time, it's not.
Again, really, this is how a child acts when they're growing up. They see other children, some lesser, some better, and this is how they learn to rank themselves in their respective society. But as an adult, it's silly. Really.
Three.
Don't give up. If you're trying to do something, don't give up because you fucking failed one, or fucking failed twice, or even fucking failed a thousand fucking times. If you fail at something, it means next time, you try harder. Eventually, if you keep trying harder than the previous time, you will get something right. Or you will die trying. But don't give up just because 'I can't do it', or even because of other factors like 'they won't let me'.
Four.
Don't base your happiness on external factors. It doesn't matter how much money you have, how many items you have, or don't have. How many close friends, or general friends, or anything else. If you base your happiness on external factors, you will get fucked eventually. This is about the hardest one to pull off. Even I, GREAT KALA MASTAH, cannot pull it off, and about half of my happiness derives from external factors concerning materialism and so on.
Five.
Deal with your fucking emotions. First off, don't place your emotions onto other people. I don't care if you've had a bad fucking day, don't come home and yell at people just because your day sucked. Likewise with sadness or depression. If someone is having a good day, don't actively try to bring them down just because your day is bad.
Second off, don't fucking hold your emotions in, eventually you're going to fucking explode and hurt lots of people around you.
Third off, find WAYS to release your emotions without inflicting them on others. If you're a programmer, make something and release your anger and sadness. If you're an artist, fucking make a masterfuckingpiece using your anger or sadness as an energy source. Ya know, don't just sit there and take it out on everyone around you.
Six.
Make goals for yourself. Make them in a timely fashion. Sort them into importance and time you think you can get them done. DO THEM. Fuck, do them. There is no reason you should ever not complete a goal. If it's important to you, you will do everything in your power to get it done. If you want a new computer, but don't have the money, you will save up, or get a second job. If you want a relationship, FIND one, they're all over the place.
Seven. (addendum to six)
Don't complain, bitch, whine, moan, groan, grunt, or otherwise. There are times when it's acceptable to complain, such as when something is outside your power to shape and change the world. For example, a natural disaster, or a family member dieing. But there are times when it's NOT acceptable to complain, such as when something IS inside your power, and you refuse to do it. Such as getting a job, or traveling or whatever.
Eight.
Find your safefun balance. Safety, and Fun, are almost always mutually exclusive, and inversely proportioned. The more safe you are, such as hiding in your home, usually, the less fun you're going to have. Likewise, the less safe you are, such as skydiving, usually, the more fun you're going to have. Now, it's stupid to be at the extreme of either of these, because one means you're never having fun, and the other means you're unecessarily risking your life. So find your balance.
Nine.
Love your friends and neighbors. Don't do anything that could jeapordize them, or their happiness, and actively try to help them in any way you can. Remember those times when you needed help, and no one was around? Everyone goes through those times. Be the person that's there, when someone else needs help. Even if you get hurt, or burned because of it, you will almost always feel better about yourself, or the day.
Ten.
Have fun.
If you're not having fun, you probably shouldn't be living.
Now, this guide is designed to teach you how to be an adult in MY eyes. Not societies, or anyone elses. Furthermore, you don't have to be an adult, you can be a child too, if you want to be treated as one. I LOVE being a child, I LOVE being treated like a child, and I will stay a child until I decide I can grow up. This guide is for those who aren't sure of how adults should be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:30AM
I'm about to eat breakfast or lunch. Only because my tummy is having 'You've changed. I don't even know you anymore. You never feed me. What happened? Was it something I did? It was wasn't it? I'll change! I promise' pains.
So Pizza. Pepperoni Pizza, admittedly from a different place than yesterday (which was papa johns, this place is called Rocko's New York Pizza. It's not noticeably better, but a change of pace.
INTO THE OVEN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:50PM
Formication again. Ugh. Also, very hot. Hot flash maybe. Opening the doors.
four minutes later....
Fell down again. The recent fainting, that is, today and the past few days, only seem to be muscle weakening. They don't have the dizziness and headache, as well as blindness, that I've had previously. Also, they only seem to affect me on a down cycle, when I feel depressed and tired.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4:25PM
If I keep going at this freakishly high rate, eventually I'm just going to run out of shit to say. Maybe. Will definately make future posts, like a year from now, easier to read and far more concise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6:44PM
Programmed a slot randomizer chance finder. That is, given certain assumptions, it will tell you how many times you need to pull a lever on a slot machine, to get jackpot.
Programmed a basic time dilation utility.
Working on programming a droid that will help me out.
Also: I gotta go to the bathroom. Both pee and poo. And Will is in there taking a bath.
Woe is me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7:57PM
Me: Although the Surgeon General recommends against playing WoW
Will: Why, cause I'll go blind?
Me: Yes, you will masturbate and go blind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11:47PM
taking meds, heading to bed.
Still didn't get my shower. Damnit. Goodnight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
In the words of myself "Pooooooky".
Wait wha?
So. Welcome to my online journal. My name is Melody, and I will be your tour guide throughout my mind. I don't actually plan for anyone to see or read this in any significant way. Instead, this diary of my daily accounts will be used for future referentials of myself, to both determine my mental, emotional, and physical state of being, and how over time, I have changed.
Also, it will be used to keeping track of various things I need to remind myself, names, important figures, so on, so forth. A lot of this will be repetitive, saying thing I've mentioned a thousand times before. Oh well. Furthermore, this will be a simultaneous journal, as the days events pass, or as close to them as I can get, keeping it fresh in my mind for perpetual archiving. So what you read at the beginning of any day, and at the end, will be substantially different. (Hint: The end will be longer. Lot's o edits)
This journal is private. But you are more than welcome to read it. Just realize, this is what goes on in my head. If you don't agree, or find it acceptable. I don't care. *smiles*
Welcome to my world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, February 4th, 2008 3PM
I woke up at 7AM, a tad bit earlier than usual. As is typical of my waking up, the first thing I did was trod along to the computer, where I saw mommy. Yay. We talked for a moment, and I ordered one crimson red bedroom, then she kicked me off to go back to bed. Of which my body vehemently refused to do. So I got up again, a few minutes later, popped a pill and watched the daily ant incursion of my kitchen.
One day they will all die. One by one. Until then, my time in the kitchen is limited. Talked to mommy some more, and Will got ready and left for work. Dealt with the standard affair of barrage of various people. Wanted to get programming done, but haven't done anything yet. I'm so lazy. But I did get this blog up. So yay.
Typical affair of emotional stay, up and downs all day today. Lots of personal grunting. Need to shower, but bah. See. Right there. That bah. That's the grunting. It's almost like a resignation to do things I don't wish to do and am vochal about it. Why am I vochal about it now? I don't know.
For breakfast, I had two slices of pepperonni pizza around 10-11AM. I haven't taken my hormones yet even though I'm supposed to at breakfast. Haven't moisturized my feet or put the meds on my legs. Bah.
Flesh colored guass doesn't look very fleshy.
Anyways, that's it for my first post today. I assume more will come as I get done with it.
Ciao.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QuickEdit 3:15PM :
I don't trust blogs that only have one or two blog posts. Especially if they are far inbetween. I don't know why, but it just gives me this feeling of extreme unkeep. Like, they started something and never finished it.
By the by, a lot of my posts will be almost twitter-like, just random things. No worries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QuickEdit 2: Time flows by slowly, 4PM
Keeping an extremely-long post per day, for a blog, probably isn't exceptionally easy concerning the busy days.
Someone wants me to do a charity event for Project Children, a charity that helps irish children. Not sure if I want to go through with the hassle of it or not, but I probably will, cause pulling my emotional strings is way too easy.
So far, the day has been kinda meh. Not overly great, but not bad either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update: 440PM
Auggh. Experiencing formication. Feels like bunches of ants are crawling on me. Eww.
Going to take meds.
Took Meds. Put pandora on, Mommy IMed me, getting ready to program.
When I need to concentrate on doing something logical, or repetitive, such as programming (falling into both categories), it is much easier if I listen to music. It seems to drown out all my other thoughts, as long as people aren't bugging me. Which is good when I have music on hand....
Not so good when I don't.
Pandora. Use it. It's your fucking friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SUCCESS! For those familiar with my UPG. Which is like. None. I have implemented a quick feedback command prototype.
For example. If you wanted a color to be red, you would type
Startc <1,0,0>
Then if you wanted it to be green, you would type
Startc <0,0,1>
But now, if you want it to be red, and then green, you can type
Startc <1,0,0>
<0,0,1>
And it'll work. So yay. Ten minutes of coding and I make a breakthrough.
Superawesome.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6:32PM
Oh my god, I had the most intense headache while celebrating.
OWWW
Jesus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9:45PM
The boogie monster is going to attack me. AWWW yeah. Come on boogie monster.
So, I taught a class, which, in comparison to all classes, didn't quite meet my expectation of awesome. Still, I suppose it was alright. It would be the first real time a student has tried cheating. (Really, what for? I mean, it's not like it's mandatory to come to my classes.)
So I had to stifle what felt like immense anger, at someone who didn't deserve it. Which seems a recurring theme lately in the past few days. I should probably get my hormones checked, and see what's going on. Anyways, afterwards, the standard depression sat in for a while. But I'm better now.
Me and Will ordered pizza from a new place, we'll see how it goes. Damn. My stomache is like craving the hunger. I can feel the pains. But I'm not particularly hungry. Hmm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wait wha?
So. Welcome to my online journal. My name is Melody, and I will be your tour guide throughout my mind. I don't actually plan for anyone to see or read this in any significant way. Instead, this diary of my daily accounts will be used for future referentials of myself, to both determine my mental, emotional, and physical state of being, and how over time, I have changed.
Also, it will be used to keeping track of various things I need to remind myself, names, important figures, so on, so forth. A lot of this will be repetitive, saying thing I've mentioned a thousand times before. Oh well. Furthermore, this will be a simultaneous journal, as the days events pass, or as close to them as I can get, keeping it fresh in my mind for perpetual archiving. So what you read at the beginning of any day, and at the end, will be substantially different. (Hint: The end will be longer. Lot's o edits)
This journal is private. But you are more than welcome to read it. Just realize, this is what goes on in my head. If you don't agree, or find it acceptable. I don't care. *smiles*
Welcome to my world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, February 4th, 2008 3PM
I woke up at 7AM, a tad bit earlier than usual. As is typical of my waking up, the first thing I did was trod along to the computer, where I saw mommy. Yay. We talked for a moment, and I ordered one crimson red bedroom, then she kicked me off to go back to bed. Of which my body vehemently refused to do. So I got up again, a few minutes later, popped a pill and watched the daily ant incursion of my kitchen.
One day they will all die. One by one. Until then, my time in the kitchen is limited. Talked to mommy some more, and Will got ready and left for work. Dealt with the standard affair of barrage of various people. Wanted to get programming done, but haven't done anything yet. I'm so lazy. But I did get this blog up. So yay.
Typical affair of emotional stay, up and downs all day today. Lots of personal grunting. Need to shower, but bah. See. Right there. That bah. That's the grunting. It's almost like a resignation to do things I don't wish to do and am vochal about it. Why am I vochal about it now? I don't know.
For breakfast, I had two slices of pepperonni pizza around 10-11AM. I haven't taken my hormones yet even though I'm supposed to at breakfast. Haven't moisturized my feet or put the meds on my legs. Bah.
Flesh colored guass doesn't look very fleshy.
Anyways, that's it for my first post today. I assume more will come as I get done with it.
Ciao.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QuickEdit 3:15PM :
I don't trust blogs that only have one or two blog posts. Especially if they are far inbetween. I don't know why, but it just gives me this feeling of extreme unkeep. Like, they started something and never finished it.
By the by, a lot of my posts will be almost twitter-like, just random things. No worries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QuickEdit 2: Time flows by slowly, 4PM
Keeping an extremely-long post per day, for a blog, probably isn't exceptionally easy concerning the busy days.
Someone wants me to do a charity event for Project Children, a charity that helps irish children. Not sure if I want to go through with the hassle of it or not, but I probably will, cause pulling my emotional strings is way too easy.
So far, the day has been kinda meh. Not overly great, but not bad either.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update: 440PM
Auggh. Experiencing formication. Feels like bunches of ants are crawling on me. Eww.
Going to take meds.
Took Meds. Put pandora on, Mommy IMed me, getting ready to program.
When I need to concentrate on doing something logical, or repetitive, such as programming (falling into both categories), it is much easier if I listen to music. It seems to drown out all my other thoughts, as long as people aren't bugging me. Which is good when I have music on hand....
Not so good when I don't.
Pandora. Use it. It's your fucking friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SUCCESS! For those familiar with my UPG. Which is like. None. I have implemented a quick feedback command prototype.
For example. If you wanted a color to be red, you would type
Startc <1,0,0>
Then if you wanted it to be green, you would type
Startc <0,0,1>
But now, if you want it to be red, and then green, you can type
Startc <1,0,0>
<0,0,1>
And it'll work. So yay. Ten minutes of coding and I make a breakthrough.
Superawesome.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6:32PM
Oh my god, I had the most intense headache while celebrating.
OWWW
Jesus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9:45PM
The boogie monster is going to attack me. AWWW yeah. Come on boogie monster.
So, I taught a class, which, in comparison to all classes, didn't quite meet my expectation of awesome. Still, I suppose it was alright. It would be the first real time a student has tried cheating. (Really, what for? I mean, it's not like it's mandatory to come to my classes.)
So I had to stifle what felt like immense anger, at someone who didn't deserve it. Which seems a recurring theme lately in the past few days. I should probably get my hormones checked, and see what's going on. Anyways, afterwards, the standard depression sat in for a while. But I'm better now.
Me and Will ordered pizza from a new place, we'll see how it goes. Damn. My stomache is like craving the hunger. I can feel the pains. But I'm not particularly hungry. Hmm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
