Friday, February 6th, 2009

The box on the boxxers is boxing away as I box it to the moon.

It's Will's birthday today, which I am more than sure I will mention many times.

Starting Song of the Day:


Ending Song of the Day:
Todays Goals:
Wake up and worry about goals later [Done]






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10:18AM

Didn't get to sleep till 2 or 3ish.

Damnit you upcycles. Stop fucking with my circadian rhythm. It's taken me two weeks to get to it. Oh well.

Woke up at 10AM, popped some pills, saw that I missed mommy by about 20 minutes *sadface* and I wanted to talk to her. I don't have any memorable dreams, which seems to be a theme while on the pills, so, we'll see. Today feels decent enough, Will took off from work, since it's his birthday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12:46PM

Got back from a breakfast place. I had a big ass biscuit, a couple small cheese tater things (very small, I wanted fries, they gave me like tater-things, 'homefries', fries my ass), and three slices of bacon. Some chocolate milk as well.

So, I haven't bit my nails in a week, and I'll probably go get them done today or tomorrow, not sure which yet. But I want them painted red like my toenails, and to get my toenails redone.

Taking my mones in a couple minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2:30PM

Rushing when I'm trying to teach a class. Not very productive.
La de da.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3:40PM

Dear Diary, it is currently 3:40PM at the start of this post. It will noticeably be later by the time I finish.

Dear Diary, My vacation, the one that was supposed to allow me to NOT deal with other peoples problems? It hasn't worked at all. I'm still dealing with them. But, you know, that's alright. I love helping people, I love helping them to help each other. So, even if my vacation hasn't quite worked out to plan, oh well. You know, it works I suppose.

So. I was planning on writing this huge post on how to be a good person, but the priority on that has shrunken a bit, so I can write this post. Vent my emotions some.

So, I have this friend. I've known him quite some time. We've been decent to far friends for, I think, two years now. More or less. Recently, we've talked and grown a lot closer, mostly due to various troubles. I care about him immensely, and is one of the few people I've given any serious consideration to meeting in real life. Now, while I am usually very lax on that, and will meet anyone offchancedly that they show up, he's one of the only few I've given any thought about actually going to visit.

Go figure.

But, he has some problems. One concerning his emotions. It's incredibly easy to upset him or get him into a jolt. A very feminine thing, which wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have this huge masculine pride to balance it. That is, critisizing him, isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, especially when I feel bad about it. I always think he's going to take it the wrong way, and, sometimes he does. Maybe it's because I can't explain myself clear and concisely.

Anyways, about....six monthish ago, more or less, he complained about breaking up with his wife, exwife, girlfriend. Maybe it was longer than that, but until that point, I didn't give it any serious consideration. He complained about his ex. All these bad things, like how she was mean, conniving, spiteful, so on, so forth.

I took them at face value. He said someone was mean, so my first thoughts were 'they must be really mean.' Obviously. But over time, he kept saying she was mean, or wrong, or whatever. But he never critisized himself. So obviously he felt like the one being hurt, but still, it's abnormal to crtisize only the other person, and didn't bode well for my thinking of him. I mean, it's easy to say 'it's all her fault', and not say 'it's our fault', but when you say 'it's all her fault', in my head, it makes think you think way too highly of yourself.

He has poor communication skills. Whether or not this is because he's bad at expressing himself, or he's bad at understanding others. I'm not sure. But, recently, he has helped me, but kept giving me the impression that he was thinking way too deep. He kept thinking I was suicidal, when I was only depressed slightly. Still, I know how hard it is for me to express myself, so it could be a combination of these things.


So, he had a breakup recently. Today infact it seems. In hindsight of the reading, the breakup was definately caused by them both. But, before I saw that it was definately caused by both, he fell into his rhythm of 'it's all her fault, she did it, she's horrible' type of thing. After seeing this for a bit, my first thought was either he needs to stop looking at his own reality through blood eyes, and see how it is, or that he might actually be slightly misogynistic.

Not majorly mind you, if I thought he was, I probably wouldn't talk to him at all. But at least a little. So, I said what I first thought. That he should see a man. That way I could decypher between 'self confidence' and 'dislike of women'. Now, I'm fairly sure it's the former, the 'self confidence'.

His pride blinds him with the blood that causes it. His emotions cause him to further the pain.

These aren't a good fucking combo.

Anyways, He didn't take the whole misogynistic and seeing-a-man thing very well. In hindsight, I suppose most people wouldn't take it very kindly if I told them to go be gay when they've been straight. Ahh well. Afterwards, I saw exactly what happened, and not just how he prescribed it.

In essence, the girl said something that was stupid. Then, she decided she didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to just, shutup and forget it. Now, to me, that seems horrible. Relationships are about open communication. Talking to one each other, even if it's painful. So are friendships. But there are times when it's just too stressful to talk about or whatever.

His pride got in the way, and essentially said 'talk or walk'. Woooah. Stop right there. That essentially said to me 'Our entire relationship depends on you doing something I want, even though you don't want to do it'.

You know, my biological father did that, when I was three. He told my birth-female 'It's the child, or me'.

...

Anyways. I tried telling him about his folly, and hers as well. And the more I tried doing it, the less good I felt. I felt like I was the bad girl. I felt like he felt I was attacking him along with the girl.

Bah.

Maybe I am just writing all this because I have excess emotions myself, or maybe I think he needs to change. I'm not sure. In the end, I've learned one lesson.

....

People don't like being critisized.

It's now 4:05PM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7:38PM

Will: I'm sorry I ruined my birthday for you.
Me: Yeah I know
Will: hahahahahaha
Me: hahahahaha

(Post Edit: Will wasn't doing anything for his birthday, so I told him to call his friends and they can go out. He made plans for it to be at 8. And so for the next four fucking hours, he stressed about being on time, even though he has never been on time for ANYthing else before. So I missed the place I wanted to go to eat, settling for a cheap alternative. Then I wanted to go get some vodka, so we could make an sour apple vodka thing, with some sour skittles. But nooo..."It's too late, I need to get home and go" he says.

So on the way home, his friends call him up, and tell him they won't be there till 8:30-9.

AHHGHGHGH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9:35PM

Still haven't taken my hormones today. Jeez. I'm lazy.

Doing that as I write this right now....

Okay...got the pepsi....

8 spiros...1 premarin....

done. Yay!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11PM:

This is a list of the meds I'm on.

Hormones:
200 MG of Spironolactone. 25MG a pill, have to take 8 pills a day, at breakfast.
1.25MG of Premarin a day. One pill a day, whenever.
5Mg of Finasteride, one pill a day. (This may only be for this month)

Anti-narcoleptic, and all over, life saver:
200MG of Provigil/Modafinil, as soon as I wake up. One a day. (Doc may want me to switch to ritalin, it's cheaper, but Provigil works so fucking well. I GOTTA FIGHT. FOR MY RIGHT. TO PARTAY.)

In addition,

For my legs:
Hydrocortisone cream.
Bactroban Cream.
Lubriderm for moisturizing.

For my feet:
Aquaphor.

................
WARNING: Fun stuff follows. If you don't want fun (intimate) stuff, and aren't mature enough for it, DO NOT READ THE REST OF THIS POST. (Until you get to the many ~~'s)
So, where it concerns my hormones, this part of this post is specified for my masturbationary responses.

Mostly, since I've been on hormones for the eight months, masturbation went from several times a day (five or so), all feeling very good, to, once a day, begrudgingly, that feels good almost never. But I still have to do it.

Now, concerning ejaculation, before I was on hormones, it was the stereotypical 'male' response. Except the ejaculation was extremely miniscule in comparison to the average male. I shall account that to the hormonal imbalance I have.

But now, it depends highly variable on how I'm feeling, but in all cases, it's an entirely different liquid. It's no longer white at all, but a pure clear liquid, that's like a slicker-than-silk. If I rub the ejaculate for a short while, it will become mildly sticky (think kind of like wet-sugar-on-skin sticky, not like glue-between-fingers sticky, reminiscent of male ejaculate). Furthermore, the ejaculate doesn't ever feel good, or especially relaxing coming out.

Most of the times, depending on how I'm feeling, I won't even feel it at all. This is usually when I'm 'not hot', but masturbating because I have to. Now, on the few occassions where I have been extremely 'hot', it all spurt out at once. An amount that would make most pornography squirters envy. Still, it feels like I'm peeing myself when I'm 'hot', and isn't a particularly fulfilling feeling. In addition, I no longer experience erections of any sort, except for about five seconds before orgasm, and even then, it wouldn't even classify for 'flaccid'.

Several times, depending on how I'm sitting, and this may be due to the hormones, or my natural size (caused by hormonal imbalance), or both, nowadays, I will feel 'it' enter me. As if 'it' inverts by itself. It creates a very weird sensation, obviously as if something is inside me. I suppose this is how all women feel when being penetrated, even though this is just my own body. I'll have to revert to this frame of thought once I finish my surgery, to see how that compares to the 'auto inversion' feeling I'm having many of recently.

Holy shit. I've listened to this song for like the last half hour. Jeez. Click to Listen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~