From the most super awesome person in the entire world, tying only with Mommy
[20:06] Neeks Karu: grown ups need different things than children
[20:07] Kala Pixie: what do children need?
[20:07] Neeks Karu: love, comfort, protection, guidence, boundries
[20:09] Kala Pixie: boundaries?
[20:09] Neeks Karu: limits to what they can do till they can cope with the resposability/ consequenses
[20:10] Kala Pixie: guidance?
[20:11] Neeks Karu: assistance with choices.. right from wrong.. experiences to draw from
[20:11] Kala Pixie: protection?
[20:12] Neeks Karu: from the bad things/ppl in the world to some extent, the ugliness
[20:12] Kala Pixie: comfort?
[20:12] Neeks Karu: someone to wipe your tears
[20:12] Neeks Karu: bandage a cut knee
[20:13] Neeks Karu: cuddles after a nightmare
[20:13] Kala Pixie: love?
[20:13] Neeks Karu: the affection, bond that ties together, feelling that makes you want to be everything else to another
[20:13] Kala Pixie: what do grown ups need?
[20:15] Neeks Karu: the same... but there are other needs too, way to be emotionally closer
[20:15] Kala Pixie: what are other needs?\
[20:16] Neeks Karu: feet to be massaged
[20:16] Neeks Karu: toenails to be cut
[20:18] Kala Pixie: is all?
[20:18] Neeks Karu: hehehe
[20:18] Kala Pixie: I think
[20:18] Kala Pixie: of all of the needs we need
[20:18] Kala Pixie: that
[20:19] Kala Pixie: comfort, boundaries, guidance, protection, and to some extent, love
[20:19] Kala Pixie: are all things I've never had
[20:19] Kala Pixie: I've never had someone to bandage my knee or cuddle me after a nightmare
[20:19] Kala Pixie: or
[20:19] Neeks Karu: to me.. even tho I love my kids dearly.. Parenting is still a job
[20:20] Kala Pixie: ever had limits on what I could or can't do
[20:20] Neeks Karu: my job is to turn out function adults
[20:20] Kala Pixie: and I've never had someone tell me right from wrong, or protect me from the bad world
[20:20] Kala Pixie: only will, you, mommy, and a couple others, have ever really loved me
[20:20] Kala Pixie: so
[20:20] Kala Pixie: All of the needs I need
[20:20] Kala Pixie: I've never had
[20:21] Neeks Karu: and thats a real shame.. every child should be given those
[20:22] Kala Pixie: I just wish that I had those things when I was really small physically...is would of helped a lot.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
March, the 16th, 2009
Suuuuup March.
Starting song of the day:
Ending song of the day: (when the day ends *giggles*)
Stuff to do today:
Nothing. *giggles*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:48PM
I woke up today, and, maybe Melody was taking control early, or, maybe Kayla was, I don't particularly know or care. But I remember opening my eyes. My body felt entirely still, but the entire room rotated around myself. O' course, I just turned around, but, I was not in control at all and it was definately a new sensation.
Good morning peeps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starting song of the day:
Ending song of the day: (when the day ends *giggles*)
Stuff to do today:
Nothing. *giggles*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12:48PM
I woke up today, and, maybe Melody was taking control early, or, maybe Kayla was, I don't particularly know or care. But I remember opening my eyes. My body felt entirely still, but the entire room rotated around myself. O' course, I just turned around, but, I was not in control at all and it was definately a new sensation.
Good morning peeps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Addendum of the Logical Kayla
This is an addendum to the previous post here: http://melodykpgrace.blogspot.com/2009/03/melody-and-kayla.html
So... today I read an interesting article. The article was about masks, and how people wear masks to hide their true selves. Now, these aren't simply masks that one dons at Halloween, although one does don masks at Halloween. Instead, they are social masks.
Social Masks? What?
A social mask is doing anything in which another may blame the mask for your actions instead of yourself. Getting drunk? Social mask. Getting high? Social mask. These allow you, to be yourself without taking all the blame for being yourself. Instead of others blaming you for hugging them, they blame your beer or your weed or whatever.
Why do we don social masks?
Quite honestly, most people are afraid of being hurt, and rightly so! Lots of people get hurt by showing you their true selves, and after being hurt so much, they just don't want to be hurt anymore. They want to be themselves, but they don't want the consequences and pain associated with being themselves.
They put on a mask.
Once they have a mask on, they can be whoever they want. They can do anything they want and it's blamed on the mask. Social masks can be anything too! They can be Second Life, or World of Warcraft, or Roleplaying games. People want to envision themselves as being good and awesome and fantastic. But without the pain and repercussions that are associated with being that.
So what does this have to do with anything?
Well, quite simply... Kayla... The logical me, the adult me, the me that tries to solve everyone's problems when I don't even have the resources, and takes up all of their stress when I'm about ready to explode, the same Kayla writing this article.
She's a mask.
You know the person that helps you. The person that converses intelligently with you. The person that makes you trust me. The person that makes you think I know it all, and everything you tell me is perfectly safe. That person...
She's fake.
Okay. Maybe not fake in the sense that she's imaginary, she's not. Kayla is as real as any of you. But she's just a way for Melody to protect herself when big bad things happen. Kayla can rationalize nasty situations and the minds behind the nasty people. So she can forgive them when Melody couldn't. Case in point, this entire article is a way for Melody to express herself in a way that she really can't express herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So what am I going to do about it?
I'm slowly, very slowly, taking the mask off.
So... today I read an interesting article. The article was about masks, and how people wear masks to hide their true selves. Now, these aren't simply masks that one dons at Halloween, although one does don masks at Halloween. Instead, they are social masks.
Social Masks? What?
A social mask is doing anything in which another may blame the mask for your actions instead of yourself. Getting drunk? Social mask. Getting high? Social mask. These allow you, to be yourself without taking all the blame for being yourself. Instead of others blaming you for hugging them, they blame your beer or your weed or whatever.
Why do we don social masks?
Quite honestly, most people are afraid of being hurt, and rightly so! Lots of people get hurt by showing you their true selves, and after being hurt so much, they just don't want to be hurt anymore. They want to be themselves, but they don't want the consequences and pain associated with being themselves.
They put on a mask.
Once they have a mask on, they can be whoever they want. They can do anything they want and it's blamed on the mask. Social masks can be anything too! They can be Second Life, or World of Warcraft, or Roleplaying games. People want to envision themselves as being good and awesome and fantastic. But without the pain and repercussions that are associated with being that.
So what does this have to do with anything?
Well, quite simply... Kayla... The logical me, the adult me, the me that tries to solve everyone's problems when I don't even have the resources, and takes up all of their stress when I'm about ready to explode, the same Kayla writing this article.
She's a mask.
You know the person that helps you. The person that converses intelligently with you. The person that makes you trust me. The person that makes you think I know it all, and everything you tell me is perfectly safe. That person...
She's fake.
Okay. Maybe not fake in the sense that she's imaginary, she's not. Kayla is as real as any of you. But she's just a way for Melody to protect herself when big bad things happen. Kayla can rationalize nasty situations and the minds behind the nasty people. So she can forgive them when Melody couldn't. Case in point, this entire article is a way for Melody to express herself in a way that she really can't express herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So what am I going to do about it?
I'm slowly, very slowly, taking the mask off.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Melody and Kayla.
Oh wow, where do I begin with this one? Jeez.
Ugh. More caffeine.
This is a blog post that will, outly more about myself, and hopefully, I won't have to keep fucking typing this shit out to every nublet that doesn't understand me. So I'll throw in some logic, some cool metaphors, some history, and some emotions.
To give some basic information, I am currently nineteen. This article is meant to explain why I act the way I do, why I eschew responsibilities and work in favor of games and toys. Mostly, why I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Melody and Kayla.
I have an identity disorder. At the very least, I have two very basic identities in me, and up until now, these identities co-existed in the same space, my body, and mind, at the same time, each taking more or less control at various events more suited for that identity.
To start off, I am Melody, and I am Kayla, and I am always both of these people, at the same time. Now, most people know me as Kayla, most people know me as the 'Kala' identity, and they don't know me as Melody. This is either because they only ever get to know the surface of me, or because of the logical explanation following Kayla's existence and habitation.
Now, up until this point, I've not spent much time thinking about this, I've just known there were multiple me's, and each of them emerged when the situation called for it. But it's becoming more problematic, because I'm starting to polarize. The need for Kayla isn't there, and so Melody is taking over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, why do I have two identities?
The logical and most concise answer for this:
Kayla was created by my body and subconscious mind, to act as a shield for me, while I was in a severely abusive environment.
Woah, wait? Sound like a certain traumatic disorder you know of? Yeah, I know, it sounds like that too.
Kayla was created by my body and subconscious mind as a personality, or identity, that would help me cope with my emotions, my feelings, my intelligent, my disabilities, and all of these things. Kayla did this by completely shutting out Melody, putting her in the back of my mind. Kayla, within the span of about ten years of existing, created an adult identity. This adult entity was used so that I - and my nieces and nephew - could survive.
I fended for myself, and I fended for them. I had no chance to just play. Everyday was a game of being beat at home, yelled at or screamed at, and then going to school, and receiving the same treatment, just because I was different.
Kayla shut my emotions off. She grew vast and quick in her intellect; and by the age of ten, Kayla could easily surpass most adults in just pure intellectual processing. And that kept me alive. I am thankful for that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a certain point in my life, I moved into situations where I was not being abused, where, I was more than just surviving. This was when I moved in with Will, my boyfriend. Once I didn't need to have my guard up, my defenses up, Kayla started becoming less prominent, and I found another identity, hidden way in the back of my head.
Melody.
Melody can be considered the polar opposite of Kayla in most respects. Where as Kayla is adult, Melody is child; Kayla is serious, Melody is silly; Kayla is protecting, and Melody is careless.
As I became less abused, the switch was rather dramatic from Kayla being prominent, to Melody being the lead. All of a sudden, a while ago, a few months ago, I just started playing with toys.
Stuffed animals. Sure, I had Vinnie, a stuffed bear, and others, but it went from having them as kind of show, to actively playing with them. My imagination boosted considerably, and I was not sure why.
Everything began in this amazing sense of wonderment, I took apart a nail clipper just to see how it worked. These are things I never cared about, and suddenly, playing with Vinnie, and my stuffed animals, and learning things, these became the most important things to me. In doing so, caring about money, or, adult things like having a job, these things, they were unimportant to me, I did not care about them. Melody just wants to be a child.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the problem then?
You would think that people could understand this, but people, are a whole, are douchebags.
Society has this rigid system of phases a person follows through. Infancy, adolescence, childhood, teenage, young adult, adult, mature adult, wise adult, dead adult.
Imagine most people's lives as being on a set of railroads, a set of train trails, with them as the train. They all follow the same train track, and they're all, for the most part, pretty decent with that.
But when I was born, my track wasn't there - all of the pieces were fucking screwy as all hell. And so for the start of my life, my train flew around wildly, looking for just something to ride on, and then one day, I found my track.
I'll say it again.
I found my track.
I found my track, and as soon as I found it, all of those people that ride the same track in life, they ridiculed me for riding a different track. Sure, my track was more colorful and bright, but they wanted me to ride their track. They told me how better I would be if I rode their track.
And, wow did I envy that.
Everytime I saw a little girl or boy, with a mother or father, I had to hold back the tears, on how much I envied them, being able to have a real life. A real family. A real childhood.
Finally, I found my own tracks to be on, and now, all of these people, told me to come ride their tracks. But, I found my tracks.
These people were growing older, but I am growing younger - not physically, but emotionally, and mentally. It feels like I am devolving back into a child, so that I can experience life as I should.
But these people don't understand. They keep telling me to 'grow up', and 'get a job' and 'be more mature'. But I don't want to grow up. I spent most of my life being an adult, now I just want to be a child. And I will be a child, for as long as it takes.
No one will take that away from me.
Not ever again.
...
At one time, I envied those people, that could all ride the same tracks together, and experience life the same.
But now I pity them.
I pity that they aren't as creative as I am.
I pity that they aren't as imaginative as I am.
I pity that, they only see life from one angle, where as I get to see it from many angles.
I pity that, I can live my life as I want, but they have to live it as others dictate.
All those people, that wanted me to ride their tracks?
I pity them.
- Kayla, and Melody.
PS: Kayla will become less and less dominant, and it will be for a long time. Maybe, one day, Kayla will help Melody grow up. But for now, I will be Melody, and I will be a child, and I will love and wonder and imagine and see all the beautiful things in life.
Ugh. More caffeine.
This is a blog post that will, outly more about myself, and hopefully, I won't have to keep fucking typing this shit out to every nublet that doesn't understand me. So I'll throw in some logic, some cool metaphors, some history, and some emotions.
To give some basic information, I am currently nineteen. This article is meant to explain why I act the way I do, why I eschew responsibilities and work in favor of games and toys. Mostly, why I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Melody and Kayla.
I have an identity disorder. At the very least, I have two very basic identities in me, and up until now, these identities co-existed in the same space, my body, and mind, at the same time, each taking more or less control at various events more suited for that identity.
To start off, I am Melody, and I am Kayla, and I am always both of these people, at the same time. Now, most people know me as Kayla, most people know me as the 'Kala' identity, and they don't know me as Melody. This is either because they only ever get to know the surface of me, or because of the logical explanation following Kayla's existence and habitation.
Now, up until this point, I've not spent much time thinking about this, I've just known there were multiple me's, and each of them emerged when the situation called for it. But it's becoming more problematic, because I'm starting to polarize. The need for Kayla isn't there, and so Melody is taking over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, why do I have two identities?
The logical and most concise answer for this:
Kayla was created by my body and subconscious mind, to act as a shield for me, while I was in a severely abusive environment.
Woah, wait? Sound like a certain traumatic disorder you know of? Yeah, I know, it sounds like that too.
Kayla was created by my body and subconscious mind as a personality, or identity, that would help me cope with my emotions, my feelings, my intelligent, my disabilities, and all of these things. Kayla did this by completely shutting out Melody, putting her in the back of my mind. Kayla, within the span of about ten years of existing, created an adult identity. This adult entity was used so that I - and my nieces and nephew - could survive.
I fended for myself, and I fended for them. I had no chance to just play. Everyday was a game of being beat at home, yelled at or screamed at, and then going to school, and receiving the same treatment, just because I was different.
Kayla shut my emotions off. She grew vast and quick in her intellect; and by the age of ten, Kayla could easily surpass most adults in just pure intellectual processing. And that kept me alive. I am thankful for that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a certain point in my life, I moved into situations where I was not being abused, where, I was more than just surviving. This was when I moved in with Will, my boyfriend. Once I didn't need to have my guard up, my defenses up, Kayla started becoming less prominent, and I found another identity, hidden way in the back of my head.
Melody.
Melody can be considered the polar opposite of Kayla in most respects. Where as Kayla is adult, Melody is child; Kayla is serious, Melody is silly; Kayla is protecting, and Melody is careless.
As I became less abused, the switch was rather dramatic from Kayla being prominent, to Melody being the lead. All of a sudden, a while ago, a few months ago, I just started playing with toys.
Stuffed animals. Sure, I had Vinnie, a stuffed bear, and others, but it went from having them as kind of show, to actively playing with them. My imagination boosted considerably, and I was not sure why.
Everything began in this amazing sense of wonderment, I took apart a nail clipper just to see how it worked. These are things I never cared about, and suddenly, playing with Vinnie, and my stuffed animals, and learning things, these became the most important things to me. In doing so, caring about money, or, adult things like having a job, these things, they were unimportant to me, I did not care about them. Melody just wants to be a child.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the problem then?
You would think that people could understand this, but people, are a whole, are douchebags.
Society has this rigid system of phases a person follows through. Infancy, adolescence, childhood, teenage, young adult, adult, mature adult, wise adult, dead adult.
Imagine most people's lives as being on a set of railroads, a set of train trails, with them as the train. They all follow the same train track, and they're all, for the most part, pretty decent with that.
But when I was born, my track wasn't there - all of the pieces were fucking screwy as all hell. And so for the start of my life, my train flew around wildly, looking for just something to ride on, and then one day, I found my track.
I'll say it again.
I found my track.
I found my track, and as soon as I found it, all of those people that ride the same track in life, they ridiculed me for riding a different track. Sure, my track was more colorful and bright, but they wanted me to ride their track. They told me how better I would be if I rode their track.
And, wow did I envy that.
Everytime I saw a little girl or boy, with a mother or father, I had to hold back the tears, on how much I envied them, being able to have a real life. A real family. A real childhood.
Finally, I found my own tracks to be on, and now, all of these people, told me to come ride their tracks. But, I found my tracks.
These people were growing older, but I am growing younger - not physically, but emotionally, and mentally. It feels like I am devolving back into a child, so that I can experience life as I should.
But these people don't understand. They keep telling me to 'grow up', and 'get a job' and 'be more mature'. But I don't want to grow up. I spent most of my life being an adult, now I just want to be a child. And I will be a child, for as long as it takes.
No one will take that away from me.
Not ever again.
...
At one time, I envied those people, that could all ride the same tracks together, and experience life the same.
But now I pity them.
I pity that they aren't as creative as I am.
I pity that they aren't as imaginative as I am.
I pity that, they only see life from one angle, where as I get to see it from many angles.
I pity that, I can live my life as I want, but they have to live it as others dictate.
All those people, that wanted me to ride their tracks?
I pity them.
- Kayla, and Melody.
PS: Kayla will become less and less dominant, and it will be for a long time. Maybe, one day, Kayla will help Melody grow up. But for now, I will be Melody, and I will be a child, and I will love and wonder and imagine and see all the beautiful things in life.
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